Monday, December 27, 2010

“Guess Hugh’s Getting Married?”

Playboy founder Hugh Hefner has gotten engaged at the age of 84 to Crystal Harris, a 23-year-old Playboy Playmate. Harris insists she doesn’t have any “daddy issues,” but she does has plenty of “granddaddy issues.”

Harris says that despite their age difference, she and Hef have plenty to talk about. For example, every day she reminds him who she is.

Though he’s 60 years older than her, Hef isn’t worried that Crystal might run out on him. Ironically, Crystal is far more worried that Hef’s money is going to run out on her.

Hef says his desire to marry Crystal is like Playboy itself: a desperate grasp for relevance in today's world.

Marrying Hef will be Crystal’s declaration of true love of money and celebrity.

Hef says that his love for Crystal makes his passion for Playboy pale by comparison. Kind of like how the Internet did for everyone else.

Hef says that the excitement of being with Crystal makes him feel like it’s the swinging 70’s again. Or, it could be that some days he really just thinks it actually is.

Because she’s marrying Hefner, the only things Crystal will need for the wedding are something new, something borrowed, and something blue.

“Secret Deal Revealed”

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange has been offered $1.5 million for a book deal. The amount of money was supposed to be secret, but somehow it got out.

All the details to be written in the book have already been posted on Wikileaks.

Assange came up with the idea for the book when he was arrested on rape charges and was booked.

"Black Swan in White Gown"

Natalie Portman has gotten engaged to her Black Swan co-star and choreographer, Benjamin Millepied, and has announced that she is pregnant. The news sent Anakin Skywalker into a murderous rage, and his descent to the Dark Side of the Force is now complete.


“Octomom” Nadya Suleman is facing eviction from her 4-bedroom house in La Habra, allegedly oweing $450,000 as a balloon payment. Suleman thought that the term “balloon payment” was just an expression, referring to her uterus.

Nadya is still optimistic, knowing that this story puts her face back in the media where she wants it.

Based on the money she owes, Nadya is trying to figure out how many of her babies she can sell to Kate Gosslyn.

Nadya, of course, has a back-up plan. She’s on the phone right now trying to get Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to adopt all the kids.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

“Driving Points”

A car crashed onto the front lawn at the home of former president George W. Bush Wednesday. No one was injured, but before any debris from the accident was cleared, Bush complimented the head of FEMA on doing a great job removing it.

The car and driver never posed any threat to Mr. or Mrs. Bush, but George declared war on it anyway.

Bush blamed the accident on a part of the car, referring to it as an axle of evil.

The Secret Service is investigating in cooperation with the NSA, since the oil and other elements in the fuel in the car seem to have originated from somewhere the Middle East.

Bush said the excitement prompted by the sudden car crash reminded him of his days in the White House. Until an aid corrected him, saying, “No, sir. That was more of a train wreck.”

Republicans condemned the driver for being so careless, and Democrats condemned the car for its low gas mileage.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

“King of the Media”

Larry King’s final show on CNN created a huge rise in his ratings, drawing 2.2 million viewers. Some of them weren’t even his ex-wives.

Larry didn’t seem overly emotional; mainly because he had no idea it was his last show.

In fact, he didn’t even remember that he had a show.

“Rehab Rehash” or “LiLo Hits New Low”

Lindsay Lohan is being investigated for alleged battery of a Betty Ford staff member, but the staffer was fired for divulging patient information to the press. But for those of us who have believed for a long time that Lindsay Lohan has needed to be slapped, she’s a hero.

Celebrity gossip website TMZ immediately reported the shocking details. The most shocking of which was that Lindsay Lohan is still considered a celebrity.

“Military Pride” or "Ask, Tell"

President Obama signed into law the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, allowing gay men and women to openly and proudly serve in all branches of our Armed Forces. This means gay men and women no longer have to be ashamed if they serve in the Coast Guard.

To show how they are supporting servicemen and women regardless of sexual orientation, the Pentagon is ordering that all future military uniforms be more form- fitting.

Headed to their local recruiter’s office are a policeman, cowboy, construction worker, an Indian, and a leather-clad biker.

“Cave Men”

Genetic analysis of fossilized bone fragments has confirmed a previously unknown, extinct human species similar to the Neanderthals, called Denisovans, named for the Siberian cave where the bones were discovered. These people have no modern descendants, but scientists have strong theories about many details of their lives and culture based on episodes of Jersey Shore.


Officials revealed Tuesday that the al-Qaida cell that tried to pass toner-cartridge bombs in October also had a plot to poison restaurant salad bars. If they carried out that plan, based on American eating habits, they could have killed as many as… 0 people.

When asked if the “salad plot” scared them, most Americans responded, “What’s a salad?”

Meanwhile, the Terror alert was raised to Orange today when it was discovered that Americans are continuing to poison themselves with fast food and all-you-can-eat buffets.

The al-Qaida terrorists had previously attempted to attack America’s salad bars with germ weapons, but they were foiled by the sneeze guard.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

“One to Grow On”

Results of the 2010 Census show that population growth in the United States has slowed significantly in just the past few years, reversing a decades-long trend. Nice work, Border Patrol.

Immigration, which has slowed, has always been a major component in our country’s population expansion. America’s population is still growing, but mostly by people already living here gaining weight.

“Game Over”

Programmers have cancelled the release of a bloody, Auschwitz-set video game where players pretend to be concentration camp prisoners rebelling against their Nazi captors. Game-makers are far more optimistic about the upcoming release of their more tasteful video games: Nursing Home Neglect: the Revenge, Twin Towers Escape: The Race Down Stairwell E, and Pre-Civil War Plantation: Slave Rebellion.

Iranian President Mahmoud Amidinejad denies that the game ever even existed.

“Ivy League Junk”

A Cornell University student was arrested for allegedly possessing $150,000-worth of uncut heroin, or enough for 500 doses on Sunday. In a related story, no one bothered to show up at the dorm Christmas party Monday.

Obviously, she was a double major: Chemistry and Economics.

Her peers say that the incident mars the prestigious school’s reputation and gives a bad name to rich, stuck-up snobs.

Police took action when professors reported that many students whose grades were poor were suddenly shooting up.

"Tangled Web”

Another performer in the Broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark was injured and taken to the hospital Monday, after falling 30 feet during an aerial stunt. His injuries were not serious, but doctors confirmed that there is an almost 0% chance of survival for the show.

Since they keep having all these accidents, maybe Turn off the Dark should Turn on the Lights.

The show centers on Peter Parker, a young man bitten by a radio-active spider, who must then use his powers to recover a $65 million investment.

Producers say they are concerned about safety and are taking every precation to prevent any further mishaps, but the actors have completely stopped telling each other to “break a leg.”

Insiders say that the performer would never have been hurt if he hadn’t gotten too close to the Edge. Or Bono.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Celebrities, male enhancement, sex offenders and more...

A Virginia Judge has ruled that the part of the new health care plan that makes health insurance mandatory is unconstitutional. As a result, the federal government is trying to get the FDA to rule that the Constitution in a health hazard.

The FDA is warning men to stop taking the “Man Up Now” male enhancement pill, because it could cause blood pressure to become dangerously low. Enhanced, but low.

Man Up Now was willing to add words to their product’s name to warn customers about the potential danger. They were going to call it “Man (Pushing) Up (Daisies) Now.”

The makers of Man Up Now say that if you die and remain a stiff for more than 4 hours, call your doctor.

Hugh Jackman injured himself during a stunt while taping an episode of "The Oprah Winfrey Show" in Australia. His injury wasn’t serious, but oprah fans were devastated to learn that she couldn’t magically heal him.

Sandra Bullock has been named “Woman of the Year” by People magazine. Meanwhile, her ex-husband Jesse James has been named “Man of the Year” by Douche magazine.

A new Congressional report says that registered sex offenders are finding jobs as teachers as well as other jobs in schools around children. America was shocked to learn that there are people in this country who are finding jobs.


Time Magazine has selected Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg as their Person of the Year. As a result, Zuckerberg friended Time Magazine.

The question this raises is, was Time just trying to land a role in the sequel to The Social Network?

“Pumping into the Economy”

The FDA is concerned about a new trend wherein some mothers are selling their breast milk online. But marketing experts say that it is just the next logical step in trickle-down economics.

As a business, breast milk makes sense as a product, because of its liquidity.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

“Snow Job”

A video on YouTube showing a bus driver hitting a snowman in the road earlier this month at the University of Illinois has resulted in the driver’s quitting his job. Despite his resignation, other snowmen in the area are so scared they are frozen stiff.

Forensics experts believe that the snowman may have just started to thaw, because evidence shows that in the seconds before the bus struck him, he made a puddle.

“Double Jeopardy”

The TV quiz show Jeopardy! Will host a tournament between 2 of its past top champions against an IBM computer named "Watson," specially designed to mimic human intelligence. The computer will be defeated when the correct response to the Final Jeopardy clue is “What is Love?”

A former Jeopardy champion commented, “Defeating a super-intelligent machine like this in fair trivia combat will surely dispel the notion that Jeopardy! is for nerds!”

“Chips are Down”

A gunman wearing a motorcycle helmet robbed the Bellagio Hotel/Casino of over $1.5 million in chips Tuesday. He’d have gotten away, too, but valet motorcycle parking was free.

Police will apprehend him while he’s waiting for his complimentary cocktail.

Since casino chips have no cash value outside the casino where they are used, police are assuming the man’s helmet is depriving his brain of oxygen, so they’ll catch him when he calls 911.

After tipping the dealer, pit boss, bellman, housekeeper, bartender, cocktail waitress, restroom attendant, maitre D’, food server, and doorman, and limo driver, he got away with 100 bucks.

There’s an easier way to walk out of a Las Vegas casino with $1.5 million. Walk in with $3 million.

Monday, December 13, 2010

“Free Lunch”

On Monday President Obama signed The Healthy, Hunger-Free Kids Act. As part of a compromise with Republicans, the bill will extend lunch breaks for the rich.

Besides improving school lunches, the new law grants authority over vending machines on campus so they will sell things that American students need, such as Asian students’ test scores.

“Palin Comparison”

On TLC’s reality show Sarah Palin’s Alaska, guest star Kate Gosselin was so miserable on a planned camping trip that she packed up and left, after complaining about the bugs, the cold, and the rain. Or as it’s otherwise known, “camping.”

When she left and got on a plane to go home, Gosselin was so upset that she accidentally remembered not to leave her kids behind.

When Gosselin was told by Palin that they would be surrounded by a natural environment for the children, Kate thought that Sarah meant the TV crew.

Kate’s main concern was for her children, because, after all, there were TV cameras on her.

Kate was really upset right from the beginning, but that’s because she thought she was supposed to be meeting Tina Fey.

The Television Academy is going to give a special Emmy award for this episode, for making Sarah Palin look like the normal one.

(Which can usually only be done through the use of elaborate editing and expensive special effects.)

“Eyes for Mona Lisa”

Historians using high-magnification techniques to look at Leonardo da Vinci's Mona Lisa have discovered tiny letters and numbers deliberately placed in the eyes and elsewhere in the painting. Art lovers and conspiracy theorists are both devastated by this proof that the Mona Lisa was just a paint-by-numbers creation.

"Foreign Away"

Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad fired his foreign minister, Manouchehr Mattaki, on Monday. The reason may stem from an ideological conflict in that the foreign minister only hated America a little.

The issue may have been one of competence. It has long been suspected that Ahmadinejad never really considered Mattaki to be crazy enough.

For the going away party Ahmadinijad threw for Mattaki, he set up an open bar and ordered plenty of yellow cake.

Mattaki says that he is now looking to the future, and will spend his time hoping not to be killed.

Friday, December 10, 2010

"Creepy Patch"

A New Hamphire man named Sean Neary, who is a former Boy Scout leader, was arrested for child pornography found on his computer. Neary faces 15 years in jail per charge, giving him ample opportunity to earn his prison bitch merit badge.

As a scout leader, Neary had never been left alone with any children, but had always hoped to see the boys rise to the position of full eagle.

His version of the Boy Scouts flag ceremony included “raising the pole.”

An investigation will determine if he ever gave anyone the two-finger salute.

"Nobel Prison Prize" Nobel

Peace Prize ceremony took place Friday, but the winner, Chinese literary critic Liu Xiaobo, was not able to accept it in person, since he is in prison in China for speaking out against the government. Liu has asked the Nobel committee to send the medal to him, secretly requesting that they hide a file inside it.

The prize itself is a medal, but it also comes with a $1.4 million award. Liu says he is unconcerned with the money, but he hopes the medal can be shaped into a skeleton key.

"Crash Tax"

New York City is implementing a “crash tax” for drivers, meaning auto accidents will come with a city fine to pay police and fire rescue officials. As a result, Billy Joel is no longer in a New York State of Mind.

Injury accidents will cost more, and car fires higher still. Fortunately in New York, muggings are still free.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

"No Repeal"

Senate Republicans successfully blocked the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Thursday, which would have allowed gay men and women to serve openly in our armed forces. The move is hardly a surprise, since everyone knows that Republicans mainly like to keep their gay sex anonymous.

"High Prices Falling"

High Times magazine says that marijuana prices have dropped noticeably since medical marijuana has been legalized in several states. Finally, Snoop Dogg catches a break.

Sellers of recreational marijuana are not the only ones taking a hit.

"Cabin Boy"

A passenger on board a commercial flight to Houston tried to open the cabin door, forcing the plane to land in Albuquerque, NM, where police took him into custody. He did it because he wanted to go back to San Jose, his departure point, because he missed the TSA agent who had just felt him up.

"Thrown from the Bench"

The Senate impeached and removed federal district court Judge Thomas Porteous from the bench in Louisiana for accepting gifts from people appearing before him for court business and lying to both the Senate and FBI. For his behavior he will immediately be appointed to the US Senate for Illinois.


A 95-year-old woman returned a library book 74 years overdue to the Amador County, CA public library. The fine was $2,701, but the library waived it. They felt they had to. It was either that, or kill her for the life insurance.

Worst for the woman, the book leaves a cliff-hanger ending continued in a sequel.

As a punishment, the library has suspended her borrowing privileges for 30 days. Or life, whichever comes first.

To conceal her impropriety, the woman was tempted, at one point, to just steal the book’s record out of the card catalogue. To which all the librarians said, “What’s a card catalogue?”

The library is only upset that the story made it into the news. They would have preferred to handle the matter quietly.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

“Ice Fort”

Ft. Lauderdale, Florida faced 40-degree temperatures this week, breaking a 169-year-old record. It was so long ago that only current Florida residents were alive when the last record was set.

“Harbor Resentment”

Tuesday, Dec 7 marked the anniversary of Japan’s attack on Pearl Harbor, which prompted The United States entry into World War II. Young Americans acknowledged the anniversary this week by entering into the World of Warcraft.

American public schools admit that they don’t place a lot of emphasis on Pearl Harbor, mainly because it makes the students think Hitler was Japanese.

“Service Call”

A Consumer Reports survey ranked AT&T the worst cellphone carrier. AT&T was called for comment, but the signal was lost.

AT&T claims that while their telephone service is admittedly sub-par, no one outshines them when it comes to sending messages by telegraph.

The company admits that they want to improve and are willing to tow the line, but they will charge you an additional $9.99 a month for that line.


WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was denied bail in London, following charges that he sexually assaulted 2 women in Sweden. The charges sound worse in the United States, but in Sweden, it isn’t even considered sex unless there are 2 women.

“Functional Art?”

A NYU art professor surgically attached a camera to the back of his head to automatically photograph what’s behind him for a year-long art project. This is the kind of art that provokes difficult questions, such as “You never heard of Velcro?”

Though the surgical aspect of this story is disturbing to some, what’s really going to frustrate the professor at the end of the year is that when he started, he forgot to take off the lens cap.

“Oprah’s New Favorite Thing”;_ylt=Aqqzp4_CpbKoTGUMLy.8_t5xFb8C;_ylu=X3oDMTJ0OGtzMTQxBGFzc2V0A2FwLzIwMTAxMjA2L3VzX2tlbm5lZHlfY2VudGVyX2hvbm9ycwRwb3MDMwRzZWMDeW5fYXJ0aWNsZV9zdW1tYXJ5X2xpc3QEc2xrA2Z1bGxuYnNwc3Rvcg--

Over the weekend, Oprah Winfrey was given the Kennedy Center lifetime achievement award. Because she demanded it.

She then celebrated by eating the Kennedy Center.

“Mrs. Frasier-To-Be”

Kelsey Grammar announced his engagement to 29-year-old girlfriend Kayte Walsh last week. Kayte hasn't said when and where her bachelorette party is going to be, but Kelsey will probably find out and crash.

“Willy Tonka”

A 17-year-old boy led police on a 50-mile chase across Ohio in a stolen dump truck, totaling two police cars and damaging several others. He faces several criminal charges, as well as a lawsuit for copyright infringement by Smokey and the Bandit II.

Friday, December 3, 2010


A couple in Mexico got married at a McDonald's. They have a fabulous honeymoon planned: going down McDonald-Land slide into the ball pit.

It was a beautiful affair until the Hamburglar stole the wedding cake.

At the ceremony, the couple was surrounded by their Best Mac and Maid-O'-Honor.

The officient asked if the bride took the groom to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for here or to go.

The guests didn’t mind the less formal reception, but they didn’t like having to dump their own tray.

I don’t want to say the engagement ring was fake, but it came out of a Happy Meal box, in plastic packaging labeled, “Not intended for children under 3.”

The couple had a 5-layer wedding cake. Three layers of bread and 2 all-beef patties.

“Presidential Lip Service”

President Obama required 12 stitches to his lip last weekend after being elbowed while playing basketball. While this stopped the bleeding, it couldn't stop the president from talking out of both sides of his mouth.

While the stitches stopped his mouth from bleeding, they couldn't stop the president from bleeding this country dry.

“Rangel Them In”

The House of Representatives voted 333 to 79 to censure Rep. Charles Rangel over ethics violations this week, the strongest form of discipline the House has short of expulsion. Though Rangel has not actually been convicted of any crime, he broke a cardinal rule of Congress: he got caught.

“Feeding Young Minds”

Congress voted Thursday to expand free and reduced-price lunch programs to widen eligibility for more schoolchildren across the country. This is terrible news for bullies, for whom lunch money is strictly a cash business.

This move is not a surprise from Congress, since its members typically expect a free lunch.

The bill is also meant to improve nutrition standards for school lunches. According to new rules, a serving of “green vegetables” can no longer refer to moldy tater tots.

“City of Brotherly Lungs”

The City of Philadelphia is meeting criticism for a higher rate of teen smoking than other major Northeast cities. Officials say the problem is mainly the ease of tobacco availability to minors, such as in the popular Philly Cheese-Cig sandwich.

“Have You Heard?”

Congress passed a new bill to control the volume of TV commercials to ensure that the ads will no longer be louder than the regular programming. Viewers hope that Congress will now do the same thing to Glenn Beck.

For decades, retailers have been shouting at consumers about their low, low prices. Now they are concerned they may lose business, especially since they have admitted that the only reason they can offer to sell their products so cheaply is: volume.

Certain advertisers have shunned the trend towards loud commercials, particularly in ads for hearing aids

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

“Opening Casket (Bid)” or "Coffin Up the Dough"

A Los Angeles auction house announced on Tuesday that it is auctioning off the coffin of JFK assassin Lee Harvey Oswald. Well, they were going to, until jack Ruby shot it.

The CIA is trying to arrange for it to be a silent auction.

Conspiracy theorists are already saying that there had to have been a second coffin.

"Big 'Decision'"

George W. Bush’s memoir book, Decision Points, has sold more than a million copies. Upon hearing this, Bush immediately called his publisher to find out if that was more than a hundred.

“Boyle Down”

Susan Boyle appeared on The View this week, to sing O Holy Night, but stopped singing halfway through. Marine-life experts were called in and confirmed that Susan had simply beached herself and got stuck.

Despite the incident, Boyle was glad to be a guest on The View, because when she’s sitting between Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar, she gets to be the pretty one.

“Fat Cat”

A famous, 44-lb. cat named Prince Chunk, who became a bit of a celebrity for his girth, died Sunday from heart disease. In a related story, journalists all over the country have officially run out of things to write about.


Tammy Vanobac, a woman in a wheelchair who missed her flight after failing to pass an airport security check in Oklahoma City Tuesday, showed up Wednesday wearing nothing but a black bra and panties. She passed the screening in her underwear, but forfeited her status as a “first class” passenger.

In her first attempt to board a day earlier, TSA agents said her wheelchair showed traces of nitrates, which can be used in bombs. In her screening upon her return the next day, the TSA only detected traces of bikini wax.

Had she been arrested today in her bra, onlookers would have seen quite a bust.

Despite paralysis of her legs, bra-clad Tammy proved that she can still handle a push-up.

Even after passing through security, she was almost kicked off the plane because she was smokin’!