Wednesday, January 26, 2011

“Addressing the State of the Union"

Tuesday night President Obama delivered his State of the Union Address to the combined houses of Congress, emphasizing, education, innovation, fixing the health care system, and freezing domestic spending. Naturally, Republicans were universally displeased that the president didn’t grant Christopher Nolan a Best Director nomination.

The president made the point that in order to insure a brighter future, the United States must “lead the world in innovation.” To push his point, Obama himself invented statistics and percentages that would boost his agenda.

Obama also innovated the pseudonym of “government investing” for “collecting taxes.”

In a change of protocol, members of Congress were not seated by party, so Republicans and Democrats were seated side by side throughout the gallery. Though this was supposed to symbolize bipartisanship, it only led to spitballs, wet willies, and Indian burns.

“’Terror Alert’ Alert”

Starting Thursday, the Department of Homeland Security will start dismantling the color-coded terror-alert system, which has remained at “yellow” for “elevated” since 2006. Many right-wingers are against the change, since yellow has long been the color most associated with fear.

The red-to-blue color scale is now going to be adopted by the gay community as their “rainbow to track homophobia.”

Fox News is hoping the new system will be something simple, such as, “On a scale of 1 to 10, how scared should you constantly be?”

"Diabatic Comment"

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have upped their estimate of Americans with diabetes to almost 26 million, up almost 10% in only 3 years. This isn’t pleasant news, but the CDC knew they couldn’t afford to sugar-coat it.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

“Depressing News”

The FDA has approved the marketing of a new drug called Viibryd, to be used to treat major depressive disorder. The drug offers hope to those who might have been desperate enough to consider suicide, or even worse, to buy tickets to see Carrot Top.

“Taco Bell, What’s in that Shell?”

A lawsuit filed Friday alleges that the meat mixture used by Taco Bell in its beef products does not meet the minimum USDA requirements to be labeled “beef.” A Taco Bell spokesman said that their customers are satisfied with their food quality and value, adding “Besides, they’re too stoned to care.”

Also, it turns out that their cinnamon twists are just made of Styrofoam.

In response, next week Taco Bell plans to unveil their new line of Burritos, made from real burros.

In a related story, McDonald’s is destroying all records of what goes into a McRib sandwich.

"Animal Lovers"

A new report suggests that sleeping with a pet could be bad for your health. Especially if your wife catches you.

Monday, January 24, 2011

RIP, Jack LaLanne

Fitness guru Jack LaLanne has died at the age of 96. Or, as Jack would call it, a post-exercise cool-down.

Jack had requested to have extra weights put into his coffin, just to give his pall-bearers a better work-out.

"Little Sister"

Oprah Winfrey announced on her show Monday that she has a half-sister that she only learned about recently. She’s actually Oprah-s full-blooded sister, but Oprah calls her a half-sister because she only weighs 200 lbs.

Oprah welled up with tears when she brought her sister, Patricia, on stage. In fact, she was so overcome with emotion, the only words she could get out were, “I’m not a lesbian.”

It is unknown whether or not Oprah intends to help Patricia financially, but one thing is clear: Patricia had better not try to touch Oprah’s food.

"All There in Black and White"

Schools are implementing chess clubs at the elementary school level, for students as young as 2nd and 3rd graders as a way to teach critical thinking, confidence, and self esteem, which is more important than ever for nerds.

The programs are free since the kids’ lunch money was already collected by bullies.

In a nation of obese children, this now counts as gym class.

Sadly, the kids who are bad at chess end up selling their valuables at the pawn shop.

“Training Pants”

A Chinese man denied a train ticket in Zhejiang became a viral sensation and folk hero after he stripped to his under wear in the train station in protest. Once he took off his pants, passengers were warned not to touch the third rail.

Video of the man went viral after they got a good shot of the caboose.

"Catch a Cab"

A young woman who had climbed out past a safety barrier and jumped from the 23rd floor a hotel in Argentina survived when she landed on the roof of a taxicab, which gave way, breaking her fall. That’s the good news. The bad news is the taxi’s meter had already been running.

Friday, January 21, 2011


Johnson and Johnson has discontinued their line of OB tampons. They simply pulled the plug.

This means that this year, their figures may be padded.

Whoever had to fire the entire OB division now has blood on their hands.

“Coffee Talk”

Starting this past Wednesday, Starbucks is allowing consumers to buy coffee drinks using their phones. So cell phone use is now back up to $3.99 a minute.

Happy customers appreciate the convenience, and don’t mind that their phones now taste burned.

If you choose an international flavor, you’ll also be charged for roaming.

“Business Is Dying”

A spokesman for the drug company Hospira said that they will no longer manufacture its lethal injection drug. The company’s main complaint was that there was absolutely no repeat business.

"Bin Laden Audio"

Osama bin Laden, while admitting that al-Qaeda is holding 7 French hostages, has demanded that France withdraw its troops from Afghanistan. He just can’t stand the smell any longer.

Bin Laden’s message was sent as an audio recording broadcast on the Arabic news channel Al-Jazeera, where he continues to regularly send mix tapes and his voice-over audition reel.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

“Wedding Toast” or “Raising the Bar”

A new study shows that increased alcohol usage may negatively affect the length of a marriage. Especially if the couple measures that marriage in bottles, glasses, or shots.

“Project of Mammoth Proportions”

Researchers in Japan announced plans to use genetic engineering to bring the extinct woolly mammoth back to life in five years. Then Sarah Palin wants to shoot it.

So far, the big mystery is figuring out why Japanese men want to have sex with a mammoth.

“Mail Tarantulas”

A German man has pleaded guilty to smuggling charges for shipping hundreds of live tarantulas into the United States. He says he worked alone, but authorities think he was using a leg man.

The spiders are a protected species because they are considered threatened, mostly by dangerous stunts in a Broadway show.

Despite the fact that some people are afraid of them, describing them as scary-looking or creepy, the fact is, most Germans are very nice people.

“Shark Vision”

Researchers in Australia have discovered that sharks are completely colorblind. Except for loan sharks, who only see green.

Of 17 shark species examined, none could see color. Which is why they prefer black-and-white movies.

The researchers had hypothesized that sharks may not see different colors when they noticed that sharks never use crayons.

If sharks really are colorblind, this weakness could be exploited by their enemies, the Jets.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

“A Dick Says What?”

Former Vice President Dick Cheney said on The Today Show Tuesday that he thinks Barak Obama will be a one-term president. Cheney added, “Obama won’t be running this country for 8 years, like I did. – I mean, like Georgie did.”

When asked about the current uproar over gun laws since the recent Arizona shootings, Cheney said, “We need to be… careful about assuming… society or… political class bears the responsibility for what happened… when it was the act of a deranged, crazed individual.” Adding, “And I know what I’m talking about – I’ve shot a friend in the face.”

“NB… C is for Comcast”

Comcast has won FCC approval to take over NBC, marking the first time any company was excited about buying their way into last place.

Comcast will own 51% of NBC Universal, giving them popular channels like Bravo, Oxygen, and Telemundo as well as the entire slate of NBC’s mediocre programming.

“Tricky Ricky”

Golden Globe Awards host Ricky Gervais has been heavily criticized for poking fun to sharply at Hollywood’s elite in his opening monologue and throughout Sunday nights awards ceremony. To his credit, he did what many top movie directors couldn’t: get their A-list actors to cry real tears.

Allegedly, members of the Hollywood Foreign Press were upset with Gervais. This bothered Ricky, because it’s bad enough when you don’t know why someone is mad at you, but it’s even worse when you have no idea who they are.

“Live Announcement”

Regis Philbin announced Tuesday that he will be stepping down as co-host of Live with Regis and Kelly in late summer or fall of this year. Hoping to take over the role of the talk-show’s gruff, masculine point of view: Joan Rivers.

Regis is 79 and has been on television for 50 years. He’s worked in the medium so long he refers to Larry King as “the new kid.”

Friday, January 14, 2011

“Holy Land”

Disney announced this week that they are opening a theme park in Israel. Instead of just being The Happiest Place of Earth, it’s The Holiest Place on Earth.

Some of the attractions will be a little different than other Disney parks. The Tea Cups are only for hot water with lemon.

The park will open as soon as they give Mickey Mouse his bris.

You’ll see Mickey, Donald, and Goofy, but not Pluto because dogs aren’t allowed in the house.

On Saturdays, you can walk around the park, but you can’t drive the bumper cars.

On the Splash Mountain ride, the water splits in the middle and splashes you from the sides.

Tomorrow Land is called The World to Come.

The Haunted Mansion isn’t haunted; it’s just the house settling.

If you don’t have a Fast Pass, you’ll wait in line for 40 years.

If you touch or even approach the foot of Space Mountain, you will surely die.

Inside the Pirates of the Caribbean cave, the lagoon flows will milk and honey.

If you run out of money for concessions, just gather manna on the ground.

Even the Little Mermaid is wearing long sleeves.

The Mad Hatter wears a Borselino.

Popular snacks include Paschal lamb, Clouds of Glory Cotton Candy, and Frozen Banana on-a-stick-that-turns-into-a-snake.

See the show, “Cinderella’s Royal Wedding.” After the Prince marries Cinderella, he breaks a glass slipper.

See the other show: “Peter Pan’s Bar Mitzvah.” Instead of fighting Captain Hook, he debates his Talmudic argument.

“Old Case”

In New York, John “Sonny” Franzese, a mob boss and lifetime criminal since the 1930’s, was sentenced on his most recent conviction, for extortion, at the age of 93. He was given 8 years in federal prison, but his hoping to shorten the sentence to ‘life’.

“Play Delay” or “Comical Booking”

The official opening day of the Broadway play "Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark" has been delayed for a fifth time until March 15. Like the actor who plays Spiderman in the show, the audience is once again left hanging.

After previous delays, he curtain was set to rise February 7th, but, like the cast, it keeps falling.

Due to the many cast changes through the rehearsal and preview process, producers are looking for some new actors, preferably ones who can sing, dance, and don’t mind having their wrists broken.

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In Italy, Premier Silvio Berlusconi, 74, is being investigated for allegedly paying a 17-year-old girl for sex. Both deny the incident. Berlusconi said he is innocent of all charges, while the girl said, “Ew.”

“Un-manned Power”

Following the lead of the military, police agencies around the country are pushing the FAA to be allowed to use drone-surveillance from the air over domestic cities. Their reasoning, most of the people they would be surveying are also drones.

“Pirates and Indians”

A United Kingdom- registered cruise ship was pursued by pirates in the Indian Ocean Wednesday. While pirates usually go after cargo ships, it is believed that they went after the cruise ship in this instance for use of the hot-tubs.

The ships were one behind the other for a short time. Or as it’s known in cruise-ship jargon: conga formation.

"Poor Musicians"

Several major city orchestras are struggling financially, with some even facing threats of bankruptcy. Where local economies have struggled, cities have borrowed from the orchestras’ reserve funds, and have been unable to pay them back. As a result, musicians are being asked to extend the note.

The string section says this really strikes a chord.

To make more money, some orchestras are even considering relocating their performances from their concert hall to subway stations.

As a result of the hard times, many classical musicians are taking appropriate action, and have started playing the blues.

One musician, who makes a better living than most, had this to say: “You want fries with that?”

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

"Don't Cal. Us, We'll Cal. You"

Newly sworn-in California Governor Jerry Brown is taking 48,000 state-paid cell-phones back from about 96,000 state employees who were issued them. The move will save about $20 million a year. It also means when you call a state agency to complain, there’s no one to answer your call.

This will also save money on roads and highways, since you’ll have 48,000 fewer people causing accidents, talking on cell phones while driving.


Starting February 10, Verizon Wireless will be offering the iPhone 4. The phones are expected to work very well on Verizon’s network, except for the ones that tech geeks drool on.

"War of the Williams'"

Police were called to a Los Angeles hotel when a loud argument broke out between voice talent and Internet sensation Ted Williams and his estranged daughter. Apparently, Ted has gotten so caught up in the recent media attention he was talking to his daughter through a microphone.

"Feel Good Study"

According to a self-esteem study, college students prefer praise over food, money, alcohol, or even sex. The study proves that sometimes studies are just bullsh*t.

"Golden Opportunity"

The Golden Nugget Casino in Las Vegas has installed an ATM-type machine that dispenses 24-carat gold bars. And because it’s Vegas, the bars never close.

The gold is offered as an investment opportunity. In other words, double down.

"Hef's Bet"

Playboy has agreed to a deal to allow major shareholder Hugh Hefner take the company private. Ironically, the success of the company was built on other people’s privates.

Hef will pay a reported price of $6.15 a share, plus he will pay for the board of directors’ breast implants.


The nation’s first gay history museum opened Wednesday in San Francisco. It’s called San Francisco.

It’s the museum where history not only comes alive, it comes OUT!

The architecture of the museum is nothing to speak of, but the interior design is fabulous.

You don’t have to be gay to go to the museum, but Catholic priests will get a discount.

Friday, January 7, 2011

“Lottery Picks”

People who played Hurley's lottery numbers from "Lost" won $150 in Tuesday's Mega Millions lottery. Those tickets each cost $1, plus 6 years of being strung along with unanswered questions.

Winners are advised not to board any aircraft or visit any islands in they know what’s good for them.

As a bonus, all of the winners will be able to communicate with the dead

“Say Cheese”

Lady Gaga appeared at the Consumer Electronics Show Thursday, to unveil Polaroid’s sunglasses with a built in digital camera. They had Lady Gaga wear the glasses so the only thing in the room that couldn’t be photographed was her.

Fans were somewhat disappointed because her usual skimpy outfits made them think she might present a “flash” camera.

Because the user wears it as sunglasses, the camera is easy and convenient for taking pictures at night or indoors as you bump into stuff and fall down.

“Snooki’s Bookie”

Jersey Shore star Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi has written her first book, a novel entitled, A Shore Thing. She’s the first author to ever write a book without ever having read one.

The book is like Snooki: a lot of paint on the cover but very little inside but blank space.

The book does not feature a lot of Snooki’s trademark cursing, because she didn’t know how to spell the swear words.

“Where There’s a Will”

According to CNN, Elizabeth Edwards did not mention or leave anything to her estranged husband, former senator John Edwards. That’s because John only wanted 2 things, and she couldn’t leave him the presidency and he was already getting tail somewhere else.

Mrs. Edwards left all of her property and royalties from her best-selling books to her 3 surviving children, although what they really wanted was a less sleazy father.

Elizabeth was unable to give John the one thing she really wanted to: her cancer.

“Sharing the Wealth”

A Nova Scotia couple who won a Canadian lottery of $11.3 million are giving all of the money but 2% to charities. Conversely, the only American lottery winner who ever gave such a sum to a charity was a man who distributed $500,000 in singles to a stripper named "Charity."

The gesture has prompted our federal government to invite them into the United States just so we can kick them out for being so stupid.

Due to Canada’s socialist tax structure, after paying taxes on the $11.3 million in winnings, the couple will actually owe their government 10 dollars and a tourism commercial.

The charities were thrilled until they realized they were going to be paid in Canadian money, so $11.3 million is really worth, what, about 150 bucks?

“Stealth Photography”

Photos have appeared online that suggest that China has developed a new Stealth Fighter. It looks a lot like an American stealth fighter, except with a giant, paper dragon head.

“The End Is Nearly Nigh”

A Christian group is spreading the word that the end of the world will begin on May 21, 2011. But its de-construction will be done by union contractors, so it will take forever.

Snookie Says

In a recent interview, Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi said she sometimes gets blackout drunk and wakes up in a garbage can. But that’s what happens when you hook up with a hobo and go back to his place.

And sometimes, when she gets really drunk, she wakes up with a garbage can in her.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

“Coffee to Lo-Go”

Starbucks has overhauled their logo by removing the words “Starbucks Coffee”. The ink they save will go into the coffee, to improve the taste.

“Got a Penn?”

Sean Penn told The Hollywood Reporter that, in the wake of the earthquake in Haiti last year, he plans to stay there for the rest of his life when not working on a movie. This proves Spicolli will do anything to avoid Mr. Hand’s class.

All Penn needs are food and water, basic shelter, and The Hollywood Reporter telling the world what a hero he is.

“People’s Voice Award”

A homeless man named Ted Williams in Columbus Ohio became a viral video sensation for his radio-quality voice, resulting in interviews and TV appearances. Of course, it’s easy to make your voice echo when you live in a tunnel.

Williams will soon be doing TV voice over and radio commercials, but to make him comfortable in studio, his scripts have to be hand-written on a piece of cardboard.

“Flying on a Coffee High”

A United Airlines flight was diverted after the pilot ruined the plane's communication's equipment with a cup of coffee. As a result, Starbucks will be forced to close the store they had opened in the plane's cockpit.

Rather than being reprimanded for drinking coffee so close to a key control panel, he will be rewarded for being the first united pilot to stay awake.

He didn't spill the coffee; after drinking it the caffeine made him so irritable he pounded on the communications equipment with his fist until it broke.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

“Navy Without Honors”

Navy captain Owen Honors was removed from his command of the Aircraft Carrier Enterprise over a series videos he made for closed circuit-TV, laden with profanity, gay epithets, and sexually suggestive material. Command of the Enterprise will be returned to Captain James T. Kirk, who was previously removed for videos using racial epithets against Klingons.

Capt. Honors superiors said that the only place for this type of behavior in the U.S. military is mocking prisoners at Guantanamo Bay.

Scenes of miming masturbation were deemed offensive, but soon the end of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell will cause them to be redeemed as erotica.

Navy top brass say that the videos were so disturbing to the service of the men and women aboard that they must start their tours of duty over again.

“What the Huck?”

In a new edition of the classic Mark Twain book The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, the “n-word” is being replaced with the word “slave.” The move is angering historians, literature buffs, and especially S&M fetish slaves.

In order to remove offensive language, the editor will replace all instances of the n-word, as well as a slang term for Indians, and of course, words that sound like a curse, such as “Huck.”

The goal is to teach that back in the 1800’s everyone treated each other with equality, respect, and dignity.

Since the book is being modernized anyway, all instances of the word “woman” will be replaced with the word “ho.”

“The Curse of Pennsylvania”

The ACLU announced the settlement of a protected speech lawsuit that ends the practice of Pennsylvania’s State Troopers issuing Disorderly Conduct citations to people for swearing. Before the settlement, Pennsylvanians said the tickets violated their freedom. Now they say the tickets were “f*cking bullsh*t.”

If you thought about a swear word but didn’t say it, you would be let off with a warning.

Philadelphia Eagles fans had started to just be taken straight to jail.

Unfortunately, without being able to ticket people for swearing, all the state’s police can do now is try to solve or stop crimes.

"Made In Japan"

The population of Japan shrunk for the 4th year in a row, in 2009, because deaths outnumbered births by 123,000. Japanese doctors are working to combat the top causes of death, heart attack, stroke, and being eaten by Godzilla.

Trying to increase their population numbers, from now on Japan plans to count all Sumo wrestlers as 2 people.

The Japanese government issued a statement, asking the world to think of Japan in terms of its culture and history, science and technology, and strong economy and business savvy, and not their shrinking population and tiny penises.

A shrinking Japan alarmed many around the world, because Japanese people already tend to be so small.

Here in America, the reaction to the news has mostly been confusion, since most Americans think Japan and China are the same place.

The Associated Press released a story about a Hunstville, Alabama store called Pleasures, a sex toy store with a drive-thru window. The shop does good business, but when you are at the drive thru, you have to be careful that you are not rear-ended.

The Gillette Brand is dropping Tiger Woods as a sponsor. Rumor is, the board voted and it was a close shave.

It’s another tough blow for Woods, who was counting on Gillette for closeness and comfort.

Gillette hopes that cutting ties with Tiger will be a simple, clean cut, without any skin irritation.

Woods seems to be taking the news well, except that he looks more scruffy.

The Dept. of Homeland Security has issued an alert at airports for insulated beverage containers like thermoses, which they believe could be used to hide explosives. If a thermos is filled with coffee from Starbucks, they’re right; it could lead to something explosive.

Passengers carrying thermoses in their luggage really could wind up in hot water.

The ACLU has already warned the TSA that there had better not be any profiling of anyone carrying a bullet-shaped thermos.

Three young men were arrested in London for stealing a rare Stradivarius violin worth $1.9 million. The men say that they would be willing to return the violin, but there would be strings attached.

The thieves planned on giving the violin as a Christmas present, wrapped with a bow.