Tuesday, November 30, 2010

“Dark Motives?”


A casting director has been fired from The Hobbit after specifically asking for actors with "light skin tones." Things had already become tense when he had suggested that the wizards should elect a Grand Wizard.

To be more sensitive, the role of Gandalf the Grey will now go to an actor who is half white and half black.

Seriously though, does ‘Bilbo Baggins’ sound like the name of a white dude?

“Worst Kept ‘Secret’”


Tuesday night was the annual Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. CBS broadcast the event, proudly noting that it is both one of the sexiest shows on broadcast television, and also the most viewer-interactive if you count masturbation.



A global fossil survey published this week says that following the extinction of dinosaurs, giant mammals much larger than the modern elephant roamed the Earth. Scientists say this could explain the evolution of Snooki.

Scientists agree that it is good that these mammals shrarnk down in size over the next 40 million years until today. You think it’s hard to get dog walkers to clean up after their pets now?

“Food for Thought” or “Won’t You Kids Keep It Down?”


The American Academy of Pediatrics reported Monday that hospitalizations for children with eating disorders more than doubled between 1999 and 2006. When kids and teens heard this frightening statistic, it made them want to throw up.

Government data says that those most affected by this sad trend fell into 3 basic categories: fat losers, ugly losers, and stupid losers.

Parents showed concern that these kids will never amount to anything, and that they’ll never be good enough.

More than anything, mothers and fathers wanted to make sure that these kids knew that no matter what, the divorce was their fault.

Girls are especially prone to anorexia and bulimia, leaving parents asking questions like, “Why can’t you be as pretty as your step-sister?”

Monday, November 29, 2010

“Caps On”


President Obama announced Monday that all civilian federal employees’ salaries will be frozen for 2 years to help the nation climb out of the deficit. As a result, federal workers are more motivated than ever to do nothing all day at work.

Upon hearing the news, a General Motors executive said, “Whew. Went back to being a private company just in time. For having that kind of foresight, I’m giving myself a raise.”

Military personnel will not be affected by the freeze. They will, forever, be left in an endless war in a scorching desert.

Members of the armed forces report that they are less concerned with their salary and more concerned about their benefits. And by benefits they mean an exit strategy to get them the hell out of the Middle East.

“R.I.P. Leslie Nielson: Deadpan Master (Minus the Pan)”


Actor Leslie Nielson, best known from the Airplane! and The Naked Gun movies, has died at the age of 84. As his character Lt. Frank Drebin often said, “The feeling is mutual.”

To grant the beloved Mr. Nielson the dignity he deserves, his grave will simply be marked “Enrico Palazzo.”

The funeral will be a somber, traditional service until the coffin rolls away from the pallbearers, rolls down a steep hill, and hits the bumper of the hearse at high speed, causing the body to fly out and land in a compromising position on top of an unsuspecting female mourner attending a different funeral, preferably a stuffy, European duchess.

“Full Nelson”


Country music legend Willie Nelson was arrested Friday for drug possession when 6 oz. of marijuana was found on his tour bus at a border patrol checkpoint in Texas. An officer became suspicious when he saw that #1 - it was a tour bus, and #2 - it was Willie Nelson.

The officer smelled marijuana as soon as the bus door was opened. Willie explained that they did that on purpose to cover the smell of his unwashed hair.

The incident proves that when people smoke pot, they are much more likely to “make a run for the border.”

“Sun Times”


A woman named Angeles Duran from Spain is claiming to own the sun and has registered it as her personal property through a notary public. Anyone wishing to dispute her ownership rights will have to apply sun block.

Duran is making herself a target. Now anyone who gets a sun burn can sue her.

Ms. Duran says she plans to charge a fee to everyone using the sun. Her claim has already sparked outrage over vampires getting special treatment.

Those who refuse to pay her fee will have to stay in the shade.

If you get behind on your payments, she will cover the sun with her hand.

The sun plans to sue for emancipation.

Some say her claim is the boldest ever made, and others are waiting to see if anything can eclipse it.

Most of the world should be greatly concerned about this, but at the North Pole they only give half a care.

All citizens of Earth are encouraged to forward their air-conditioning bills to Ms. Angeles Duran at her home address in Salvaterra do Mino, Gallicia, Spain.

“Plastic Kardashians”


The Kardashian sisters are trying to sever their relationship with a prepaid debit card marketed as the Kardashian Kard after learning that the product is being investigated for unusually high fees for initial card purchase, use, loss or even cancellation. The card’s own spin-off reality show will be called Keeping Up with the Kosts.

It is unknown how much money the Kardashian girls were supposed to make for endorsing the product up fornt, but it is likely that their deal was structured to by heavy on the back end.

Featuring a picture of all 3 sisters on the card, it was never easier to get Kim, Kourtney and Khloe into your wallet, unless you’re a professional athlete.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


A Happy Thanksgiving to all. Enjoy the holiday whether you celebrate with your family, your friends, members of your gang, your over-priced therapist, with 100 cats, your cell-mate, your lawyer, your entourage, your henchmen, hounded by paparazzi, among your minions, chased by federal investigators, or like me: with legions of adoring fans.

Friday, November 19, 2010

“Bible ‘Quotes’”


The New International Version of the Bible is publishing a revised edition, taking out some of the gender-neutral language from a 2005 edition that was harshly criticized. Changing the word “mankind” to “human-kind” is one thing, but when they start to use “he or she” when talking about Jesus…

Basically, the new version says that you’re all still going to hell, but men and women won’t be separated.

“Backpack Is Back”


An Arizona homeless man returned a backpack he found containing $3,300 in cash and a laptop computer at a light-rail station. For leaving a parcel at a rail station, the owner of the backpack is now being investigated by Arizona as a possible Hispanic.

The homeless man said that if he had kept the money, he wouldn’t be able to sleep at night. And there’s nothing worse than tossing and turning all night on a park bench.

“Tiger Trying to Get New Stripes”


Image experts say that Tiger Woods is failing in his attempt to improve his public image, and that people see him as arrogant following his scandal and divorce. “Yeah, it’s true,” Woods admits, “But this bad-boy thing is getting me laid more than ever.”

“Bullyish Economics” or “Jerks in Jersey”


New Jersey lawmakers have introduced an bill to offer counseling and create peer awareness to protect college students from bullying. If it passes, enforcement will cost taxpayers their daily lunch money – if they know what’s good for them.

Any legislator that doesn’t vote to approve the measure will be called a sissy and shoved into a locker.

The measure is meant to prohibit harassment based on sexual orientation, gender, race, or ethnicity. But, to preserve college tradition, jocks can still pick on nerds.

Though the bill is meant to protect against bullying based on race or ethnicity, it's still New Jersey, so people's tans are still fair game.

Also, even if all bullying is eliminated, members of college fraternities will still have the right to be a**holes.

Thursday, November 18, 2010


A Brooklyn coffee shop is offering customers 10 shots of espresso in a single serving with the nickname "porn in a cup." The first 9 espresso shots are free. The tenth is the money shot.

You might think that would be hard to drink, but it’s surprising how easily it goes down.

They are working on an iced version, and of course, the ice would be shaved.

“Bring to a Boyle, Simmer”


Singer Susan Boyle is as big as The Beatles and The Monkees, judging by simultaneous U.S. and U.K album sales. Also, by weight.

By all measures, she is a recording industry giant.

“’Tis the Season” or “White Christmas”

This season’s holiday shopping has already begun. The most popular, must-have, cute, cuddly item that everybody seems to want this year is: Betty White.

“Surveillance Says”


According to a survey conducted last month, almost 40% of adults say that marriage is becoming obsolete. Of course, all of the people who expressed that were married men so they didn’t know what the hell they were talking about, did they?

“Justice… League”


Citing the right to free speech, a federal judge blocked police from removing costumed superhero impersonators from Hollywood Blvd., where they pose for tourists’ photographs for tips. Newspaper publisher J. Jonah Jameson insists that this is just proof that that Spiderman is nothing but a menace.

Police have dealt with complaints of performers aggressively seeking tips, but can’t arrest the superheroes just for being there. So they plan to be a visible presence, will closely observe, and just in case, are stocking up on Kryptonite.

“Ryan’s Reign”


Ryan Reynolds was named People magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” for 2010. People has honored Hollywood’s leading men with that title since 1985’s Mel Gibson. So Ryan, the clock is ticking towards your violent, racist, misogynist, anti-Semitic meltdown. Good luck!

Ryan has starred in films such as The Proposal and X-Men Origins: Wolverine, but is best known as Mr. Scarlett Johansson.

“Engaging Talks”


Sarah Palin told a reporter that she is “engaged” in conversations with her family about whether or not she should run for president in 2012. Still, that doesn’t mean anything; Bristol Palin’s been engaged twice.

“Blackout-in-a-Can Ban”


The FDA has banned the sale of caffeinated alcoholic energy drinks such as Four Loco, Joose, and Moonshot, which they have deemed unsafe. The ban is meant to protect college students, and it will, until they hear about Rum and Coke, Jack and Coke, and Irish Coffee.

Several students reportedly got sick after drinking these beverages, some passed out, and a few even suffered memory loss. These experiences are known to most as “college.”

The government intends to enforce the ban, and even expand it if necessary, to ensure that no one in America is having any fun at all.

Members of Congress supporting the ban say it’s a non-partisan issue. It’s not about leaning towards one party, it’s about being the party-pooper.

“It Does Literally Not Matter”


Physicists announced Wednesday that they captured antimatter atoms for the first time, for a tiny fraction of a second. Of course, after, it felt anticlimactic.

They only worked with a few single atoms, but the physicists now hope to up the anti.

The scientists working with antimatter are being sued by Lady Antebellum.

Protesters of the experiments are anti-antimatter, which they feel, makes them matter.

Scientists working with antimatter hope to discover its counterpart, uncle matter.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

“Flying Eagle”


The NFL named the Philadelphia Eagles’ Michael Vick the NFC Offensive Player of the week for the second week straight on Tuesday. This is hardly surprising, since a couple years ago, Michael Vick was considered the most offensive person in the league.

“Apple Records”


On Tuesday, Apple announced that they will begin offering The Beatles’ recordings on iTunes. Until Yoko Ono finds a way to digitally break them up.

No one knows if Yoko’s music is available. No one has asked, and no one cares.

Steve Jobs excitedly made the announcement about the downloadable Fab 4, foolishly adding, “They are going to be bigger than Jesus.”

Monday, November 15, 2010

“Non-Lethal Weapon”


According to court documents, Mel Gibson admitted to slapping girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva back in January, but only to calm her in her state of hysteria. Mel didn’t specify whether it was he or she who was in the state of hysteria.

Mel alleged that she was holding and shaking the baby, trying to keep her away from him. “She clutched that baby,” Mel said, “like a Jew holding his money.”

Mel will use this experience as the basis for the sequel to one of his popular romantic comedy films, What Women Don’t Want.

“Snail 1, Humans, 0”


Two customers are suing a California restaurant where a cooked snail in their escargot dish allegedly “exploded,” squirting one in the eye and ruining their shirts. Of course, the only thing more disgusting than having a piece of a snail land on your shirt is eating one.

Their lawsuit is expected to move forward… very, very slowly.

The government is looking into the case to determine the military applications of an exploding snail.

The two finished their meal, and the man who claims an injury to his eye did not seek immediate medical attention when he left the restaurant, but when they followed the snail’s slime trail, they found that it led straight to a lawyer.

Even an out-of-court settlement may cost the seafood restaurant a lot of clams.

The men said the incident “humiliated them.” But appearing in the news as the Exploding Snail Victims is a badge of honor.

“Scanning New Jersey”


New Jersey legislators are trying to block the use of full-body airport screening machines which they say invade privacy, like a “virtual strip-search.” The Jersey residents initially favored the machines, but thought that they were meant to give full body tans, not full body scans.

Friday, November 12, 2010

“Simpsons Except Jessica. or O.J.”


Fox television announced Thursday that they have renewed The Simpsons for its 23rd season beginning next fall. 23 years, wow. This means that the show is now being animated by an entire second generation of Korean children.

By the end of their 23rd season, the show will have produced 515 episodes and been on the air 10 more years since it was still funny.

Fox is keeping the show on because it still has solid ratings, but mainly to keep another Family Guy spin-off from airing, which would cause Seth MacFarlane’s ego to go supernova and kill us all.

“Police the Internet for Police”


According to a national report, about a third of police departments are looking at social media accounts such as Facebook as part of their background check for hiring new officers. They are weeding out a lot of applicants who, it turns out, are pirates, engage in Mafia wars, and tend to farms.

Police chiefs are dismayed to have learned that many of the applicants who want to be cops have been guilty of tagging.

Police executives agree that modern police techniques and technology should only be in the hands of individuals who demonstrate civic responsibility even online. Applicants who only have a MySpace account can be trusted with technology up until 2007.

“Splendor’ed Ending”


The weary vacationers from the disabled Carnival Cruise ship Splendor were relieved to finally disembark on dry land today. Docking in San Diego pleased the passengers because the city is famous for having working toilets.

Aboard the ship, the passengers had no electricity, cell phone service or Internet. Of course, once they got to their email accounts, they were flooded with palettes of spam.

How bad were the conditions aboard? Once the toilets stopped functioning for a boat filled with 4,500 people, even Somali pirates were like, “No thanks; you guys can just pass right through our waters. Keep it moving. Good luck. Bye, bye.”

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

“Two Moms Better than One?”

A new report shows the rate of child abuse among Lesbian parents is at zero percent. Obviously, that’s not counting the emotional trauma and humiliation caused by their mullets.

So lesbians’ homes are safe, healthy, and comfortable, just like their Birkenstocks.

The study made Rosie O’Donnell’s kids finally feel safe.

Among straight couples, there has always been a percentage of abuse that has gone unreported due to some mothers’ physical fear of the father. But among lesbian couples, neither partner would be afraid to finger the other.

“Smokey Lens”


The FDA and the Department for Health and Human Services are pushing for larger, graphic warnings on cigarette packs that would feature pictures of corpses and cancerous mouths, among other images. So smokers can be as grossed out by cigarettes as non-smokers.

“Searing Profits”


Sears is planning on opening its stores on Thanksgiving Day for the first time in its 124-year history. Experts say that this jump on the competition for holiday sales will make the company hundreds of dollars.

Among their employees, however, it will make them thousands of enemies.

The move is in the holiday spirit, since homeless people need a place to wander around while the rest of the mall is closed.

“Book Wants You to ‘Do It for the Children’”


An electronic book defending pedophiles sparked outrage, especially when it was made available for purchase for Amazon.com’s Kindle reader. Since its release, there has been a rising demand for Amazon to pull the book. If they do, it will only be available at Roman Polanski’s house.

“Text Appeal”


A study presented to the American Public Health Association says that teens who use text messaging excessively are more likely to engage in drinking, drug use, and sex. All while texting.

The term for such teenagers is “popular.”

Texting has become so ingrained in teen social life, and by extension, synonymous with their sexual activity, that the most common phrase among teens fighting is, “Go text yourself.”

Teens’ texting skills are predictably telling about their knowledge about sex. Their texts tend to be clumsy, sloppy, and over too quickly.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

“Pollution Solution?”


A new health study names the worst pollutants threatening the well being of the world. Topping the list are lead, mercury, and Spencer Pratt.

The report says that the pollutants primarily threaten children. Said a tobacco company spokesman, “Hey, that’s okay, as long as you don’t advertise directly to them. Directly, right?” (Wink.)

"White Ranger"


In a ceremony at the Kennedy Center in Washington Tuesday, Betty White was made an honorary Forest Ranger by the U.S. Forest Service. Ironically, she then accidentally started a forest fire with her own ‘heat.’

The crowd gathered gave her a round of applause, and the ceremony was twice as funny as Betty’s Saturday Night Live episode.

Ms. White’s next venture will likely be aboard the International Space Station, since she has now literally done everything on Earth.

“Cruise Control” or "Carnival Carnage"


The Carnival cruise ship Splendor had an engine room fire Monday, forcing the ship to be towed to port by tugboats over an estimated 2-day period with limited food, no air conditioning, and no working toilets. Trying to still enjoy their trip, some passengers are just pretending they are vacationing in India.

It will take an estimated 2 day journey for tugboats to pull the 113,000-ton ship into port in Ensenada, Mexico. It would take less than a day, but there are a lot of fat Americans aboard.

Passengers say the only thing that would have been worse was if the cruise had proceeded as normal.

Per Carnival policy, once the ship docks, passengers wishing to disembark will be asked to remain calm and form an orderly Conga line.

Monday, November 8, 2010

“Surgical Pre-Disposition”


On Monday’s Oprah Winfrey show, Michael Jackson’s mother said that she believes Michael was addicted to plastic surgery. She, on the other hand, is addicted to stating the obvious.

“Bananas for Cigarettes”


A 12-year-old chimpanzee has been rescued by animal rights activists and relocated to a Brazil sanctuary after being discovered smoking cigarettes in a Lebanon zoo. Apparently, in Lebanon, they don’t card for cigarettes.

In Brazil, the chimp will fight his nicotine addiction, and will be happy to get that monkey off his back.

The chimp’s treatment in Lebanon has brought harsh criticism, from his small cage enclosure to his chain… smoking.

It was a surprise to discover the chimp smoking, because, though they are social, they aren’t really pack animals.

Animals rights activists moved quickly once they thought the chimp was in danger. There were threats of violence from the Lebanese zoo’s camels when they heard the chimp was smoking Camels.

The smoking chimp would easily become agitated and would screech and scream as if cursing and swearing. Apparently, he had no filter.

The Brazilian sanctuary is glad to put a stop to the mistreatment of the animal. There is nothing funny about a chimpanzee smoking cigarettes. Cigars, however, now that’s hilarious.

"Hostess with the Most-est"


A Kansas State University professor Mark Haub lost 27 lbs. on a 10-week diet of Twinkies, Oreos, Doritos, and Little Debbie snacks. Though his health appears to be fine, his life expectancy has been lowered because the next Atkins dieter he meets is going to kill him.

The nutrition professor was attempting to prove that total calorie intake is what matters most when it comes to weight loss. Over the course of the diet, he did monitor things like heart rate and blood pressure. Or as it is now known, crème filling pressure.

Though his food choices were loaded with sugar, his beverage of choice was insulin.

His study also suggests that Super Size Me filmmaker Morgan Spurlock was just being a pig.

Professor Haub’s weight loss makes a lot more sense once you see him. The chemicals in Twinkies have shrunk him to 17 inches high.

Friday, November 5, 2010

“Chinese Secret”


A young Chinese man disguised as an elderly Caucasian man boarded a plane from Hong Kong to Canada to declare refugee status. Airline officials were fooled by his convincing “old man” prosthetic mask, though his hands looked too young for him to be old, and he was too polite to be American.

The incident raises safety concerns. Not only regarding airport security, but since the mask came from China, it probably contains lead paint.

The story has excited the imagination of mystery lovers. The mystery: why would anyone want to go to Canada?

China plans to use this aging make-up technology to get 14-year-olds into the next Olympics.

“Shell Shock”


Researchers say that eating peanuts while pregnant may increase the risk of peanut allergies in babies. “Uh-oh,” said expecting elephants.

Mothers who eat peanut butter may also wind up in a jam.

The study did not evaluate all dangers associated with peanuts. For example, being a salted.

“Dropping the Bomb”


A Yemen-based Al-Qaida cell is now taking credit for the 2 parcels bombs intercepted before reaching Chicago synagogues last week. Last week. Apparently, even their claim of responsibility was sent by snail mail.

Even though the bombs didn’t go off, they still took responsibility. Apparently someone is hoping to get promoted just for taking a little initiative.

It’s hard to know if they are telling the truth. Since the bombs failed to detonate, they have asked that their postage be returned.

They wanted to take credit right away, but they were afraid the whole thing would blow up in their faces.

A warning: these are bad terrorists. I mean, both bombs were intercepted, and both were disarmed. These guys are just bad terrorists. They even suck at being evil.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

“Minutes to Spare”


French officials say one of the Chicago-bound toner cartridge bombs intercepted from Yemen last week was disarmed a mere 17 minutes before it was set to explode. American officials couldn’t confirm because the clock was analog, not digital.

The bomb would have been diffused with 32 minutes remaining, but French labor unions are very strict about workers taking their 15 minute break.

Had the bomber been more clever, he would have disguised the bombs as a pizza, guaranteeing delivery within 30 minutes.

Had the bombs been mailed this weekend instead, the end of Daylight Savings Time would have given the bomb squad an extra hour.

In the likely movie version of the event, the 17 minutes will be represented as exactly one second.

“Heated Discussion”


Scientists say a sharp increase in atmospheric carbon dioxide caused global warming on Earth 40 million years ago. This suggests that when the dinosaurs died out 65 million years ago, they left their cars running.

The CO2 levels in microfossils of marine plankton indicate a 5 to 11 degree rise in temperatures near the sea surface over about 100,000 years. Scientists suspect that this also led to a rise in the popularity of surfing.

This led to an increase in the value of plankton-owned beachfront property, until the crowds and concession stands brought about the inevitable market adjustment.

Though the tiny plankton fossils reveal compelling evidence of this global warming, Big Corporate plankton fossils dismiss it as a myth.

“Ice Cold Politics”


Since Wednesday’s press conference, President Obama’s joking reference to a “Slurpee Summit” with incoming Republican leadership has sparked a marketing campaign by 7-11 to promote the famous drinks as bringing people together. Now they are hoping Obama mentions a Big Gulp oil clean-up or a Slim Jim Stimulus.

Foreign policy advisors cautioned Obama not to mention the wars in the Middle East in the same sentence as Big Mac Attack.

Random, unrelated news

New research says that alcohol is more dangerous than heroin and cocaine. The research was done in an extensive, double-blind study performed exclusively by Amy Winehouse.

In his new book, George W. Bush says he considered dropping Dick Cheney from the ticket in his 2004 campaign for re-election. It became a moot point, however, since most of Cheney's vital organs had already been replaced with robot parts and artificial organs.

Celebrity news

Kim Kardashian tweeted on Monday that she broke her toe. Until the toe heals it can't do anything productive or useful, so it will get its own reality show.

In a recent interview, Cher said she still mistakenly refers to her daughter-turned-son Chaz as "her." Conversely, when Chaz was growing up as a girl, when people first glanced at her, their automatic response was to exclaim, "Dude!"

California News

On Tuesday, California's ballot measure to legalize marijuana for recreational use was voted down. So no one in California will be smoking marijuana. In an unrelated story, meet me out back at 4:20 if you want some… bubble gum.

San Francisco has approved a measure to ban the sale of Happy Meals. San Francisco will simply replace them with Gay Meals.

"Enquiring Minds Don't Want to Know" or "'National' Debt"

"The National Enquirer" announced they are filing for bankruptcy. They hope to recover by Photo-shopping their bank balance to look fatter.

To find out how they are spending their final, heart-breaking days, and who they are sleeping with, just look inside!

"Election Rates"

"The Daily Show" was the highest rated late night show in October among viewers aged 18 to 49. As a result, syndicated sitcoms are going to hold a Washington Mall “Rally to Restore Ratings.”

Fox News Channel scored the highest ratings on election night, averaging seven million viewers. However, being a hard news channel, they don't care about ratings. They care about getting Republicans elected.