Friday, April 29, 2011

“Royal Ball” or "Where There's a Will, There's a Kate"


Great Britain’s Prince William married Kate Middleton at Westminster Abbey in a fairy tale wedding watched by fans around the world.  Of course, despite meticulous planning and attention to detail, there were a few awkward moments:

  • American tourists took pictures of a group of Royal family members in formal military dress, thinking they were members of the Village People.

  • In tribute to his mother, Princess Diana, Prince Harry wore her hairstyle.

  • A door opened, and loyal British subjects called out “Long live the Queen,” as Elton John entered.

  • As many of the women in the royal family were privately being primped before stepping out into the public view, Camilla Parker-Bowles was mistakenly saddled and bridled.

  • Prior to the wedding, Prince William got a haircut, but when he asked the stylist to “just even it out,” she felt compelled to shave his head.

  • A British man was arrested after trying to put a walnut in Prince William’s mouth, having seen him in his red dress uniform and mistaking him for a nutcracker.

  • When some money was found that wasn’t wasted on the opulence of the royal wedding, the Prime Minister just tore it to shreds and showered the bride and groom with the confetti.

  • Kate’s dress wasn’t purely white; it had some off-white stitching sewed into the lacing so you could tell where the dress stopped and the skin of everyone in the royal family began.

  • More than once Sir Elton John was asked whether he was the bride’s or the groom’s grandmother.

  • William and Kate left Buckingham Palace to Clarence House in a blue Astin Martin.  Almost immediately, James Bond reported that his car had been stolen.

  • It was a great day for England.  Over 5,000 police officers provided security for the event, so it was a really great day for side-street burglars.

  • A billion people watched on TV around the world.  As with any programming in the United States that gets such big ratings these days, Americans were mainly watching to see whether it would be Kate or William who would get voted off.

“Skipped Records”

After President Obama released his long form birth certificate this week, Donald Trump began pressing for the release of Obama’s college records.  Next, Trump will want to see Obama’s underwear, as the only way the president can prove he wears any.

“Trump Is a Grump”


Donald Trump gave a speech in Las Vegas, but surprised listeners with an expletive-laden rant about the current administration and several issues.  Supporters had no warning that he was going to go all “Meatloaf” on them.

Trump dropped several F-bombs in front of a crowd made up mainly of Republican women’s groups. Apparently, Trump forgot that if you’re speaking live, rather than on reality TV, they can’t “bleep” you.

Trump appeared to really blow his top, yet miraculously, his hair stayed on.

R.I.P.

Hubert Schlafly, who helped design the teleprompter, died on April 20th at the age of 91.  News anchors reporting the story were left with nothing to say.

“Blast-off Off”


The Space Shuttle Endeavor’s scheduled launch Friday was delayed for at least 72 hours.  This may be due to some orbital recalculations due to a unique fluctuation in the Earth’s rotation.  Apparently the world stopped spinning for the Royal wedding.

NASA technicians are making sure the shuttle is in top condition and ready to launch, in case Richard Branson is in orbit and wants to drag race.

"Virgin Galactic" or "Piece of Astronaut"

NASA said this week that it is highly unlikely that any astronauts have had sex while in space.  At least, not with humans...

Now that would be one giant leap for mankind!

In fact, even with all their big rockets, they can't even prove the existence of black holes.

If nobody in space is getting laid, maybe that’s what made Neal’s Arm so Strong.

“Super Citizen” or "Alien in America"

In the latest comic book, Superman renounces his U.S. citizenship because he is tired of having his actions construed as instruments of U.S. policy.  Even our superheroes are being outsourced.

Superman will soon be teaming up with a new ally:  The Green Card.

The state of Arizona is now looking for Kryptonite to get rid of this illegal alien.

But he'll stay married to Lois Lane so he can keep his healthcare.

Lex Luthor is already at work to have him deported.

Superman will still keep fighting for truth and justice, but now he won’t be hampered by the tax structure of the American Way.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

“Clean Sewer Humor” or "Soap Opera"


Environmental engineers at North Carolina State University say that the sludgy residue built up in sewer lines that sometimes causes overflows is actually a chemical soap build-up.  But at least this finally means a bath for the alligators.

The most unexpected side-effect of the presence of this sewer soap: more slippery rats.

“Tyler, II” or "Even Steven"


Steven Tyler told People magazine that being in the public eye on American Idol helps him stay sober.  This proves how different he really is from former Idol judge Paula Abdul.

Tyler is surely glad to have kept clean long enough to be, as the song goes, “Back in the Saddle Again.”  Unfortunately, he’s also been through enough to live up to the song, “Dude Looks Like a Lady.”

“No Friends”

Friendster, the social netwoeking site that was set up as a pay service, has announced that they will be deleting all data from its site May 1.  Now, if you want to pay to connect with people over the Internet, you’ll have to go back to Craigslist.

Members of Friendster found out on Facebook.

But, if you want a free site that is all but an empty landscape, you can still go on MySpace.

“Up Against the Wal”

Walmart has announced that they will again start selling guns to improve the chain’s slumping sales.  The guns are expected to sell well, and Walmart’s revenues to increase.  This solves the problem for both Walmart’s stores, and the robbers who want to hold them up at gunpoint.

“Arnold’s Back”

Arnold Schwarzenegger is reportedly interested in returning in another 'Terminator' movie .  But only because Gray Davis' screentest was terrible.

Arnold just won’t be satisfied until the franchise is left with a huge deficit and on the brink of bankruptcy.

Rumor is, Meg Whitman wants the role next.

“Charity Sheen”


Charlie Sheen launched a charity to raise money for a baseball fan critically injured in an attack after a Los Angeles Dodgers game.  Presumably so he can either have sex with him or snort his ashes if he dies.

“Going Down to the Cape”


A professor at the University of Cape Town discovered seven previously unknown insect species at a South African truck stop.  Not surprisingly, all of them was carrying STDs.

Including the professor.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

“Certificate of Authenticity”


President Obama released the longer form birth certificate from Hawaii Wednesday, to put an end to what he called a “sideshow” distraction.  Donald Trump immediately spoke out, saying, “Fine, Obama was born in Hawaii.  But you can’t prove that Hawaii is part of the United States.”

The information of the signed, long form birth certificate finally and definitively confirms his birthplace, birth date, and socialist/Muslim birth conspiracy.

Now that the “birther” issue has finally been laid to rest, Donald Trump can finally move on to talk about another, fake, made-up issue.

Though Obama has released his birth certificate to quiet the claims of Donald Trump, among others, some Americans still won’t believe Obama until he stars in his own Apprentice-style reality show.

Of course, now that he has proof on paper that he was born in the USA, Obama is being sued for copyright infringement by Bruce Springstein.

“Applied To College”


The American Institutes for Research and other critics say that the community college rankings of Aspen Institute’s College Excellence Program are inadequate.  For example, the rankings don’t compare campus keg parties or even mention how hot the chicks are.

The rankings were also applied to better colleges, which rejected them in polite form letters.


Because they rank only community colleges, the possible scores are only C-, D, or F.

Some community colleges don’t care about the rankings as long as the credits transfer.

“Ryan Writing”


Ryan O’Neal has said that he plans to write a memoir about long-time love Farrah Fawcett.  In writing the book, he hopes that readers will remember Farrah, but he also hopes that people will finally remember Ryan O’Neal.

O’Neal is writing the book because he feels that there should be one book about a romance with Farrah that isn’t pornographic fan-fiction.

No word on when previews of O’Neal’s book may be forthcoming, but fans are undoubtedly already looking forward to a Fawcett leak.

Friday, April 22, 2011

“Cleaning Up”


The FDA has issued warning to the makers of certain hand sanitizing products over claims that their products can prevent specific diseases and infections.  The companies say that the FDA may not ever get to follow up on the warnings, because they will probably die from a bacterial infection since they didn’t use their sanitizer.

The FDA requires that claims to prevent disease be scientifically proven and submitted for review by the FDA.  The companies say they were just trying to get around the disease of big government.

The FDA’s letter originally contained harsh words and offensive language, but thankfully, it was sanitized.

If the products are removed from the market, it will be seen as a big victory.  For Bacteria.

The FDA’s move may have been political.  It’s possible that they may have been prompted to try to shut down these practices by the Soap and Water lobby.

After this move, the FDA will wash their hands of the situation.

It may not be a scandal, but it certainly feels… unsanitary.

To avoid further action the FDA, the sanitizer companies will have to back off of claims like:

“The exercise from pumping the hand pump on our sanitizer gel will make you stronger than Thor.”

“The bubbles in our foaming hand sanitizer will make you float in the air like you’re flying.”

“Our sanitizing gel can be used as a spermicidal contraceptive.”

“Ensignation”


John Ensign resigned as the U.S. senator from Nevada Friday, amid investigations involving his extra-marital affair and alleged bribes to cover it up.  Ensign is now the poster boy for Nevada, being involved in a sex scandal AND being unemployed.

The whole chain of events has been a shock to Nevadans.  Not the affair; that they are used to.  But what happened in Vegas did not stay in Vegas.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

“Cup Kate” or “What’s Risen on the Hudson” or "Celebritities"


Kate Hudson told InStyle magazine that she hates having big breasts, which she has developed due to her pregnancy.  Men everywhere agree with her, but they agree with everything she says now that she has big breasts.

Meanwhile, men think that since her bra size has increased, Kate is now more talented, charming, and intelligent.

“Prince among Men”


Property in Minnesota owned by venerable pop star Prince is set for a foreclosure auction in May if delinquent payments aren’t made.  It would be hard to find a buyer for any house on the property, though, since the ceilings are all only 4 feet high.

Of course, since the property belongs to Prince, no matter when he sells it or for how much, it will be a short sale.

If he loses the property to foreclosure, Price may change his name to The Artist Formerly Known As Rich.

In the foreclosure proceedings, the bank will be represented by a team of lawyers, while Prince will be represented by a squiggly symbol.

Prince has been delinquent on his payments for months, but because of his height, he is often mistaken for a juvenile delinquent.


Instead of trying to restructure his loan, Prince continued to finance like its 1999.

“Bratz Worst”


A federal jury has rejected the Mattel toy company’s claim to ownership of the Bratz dolls.  Instead of siding with Mattel or rival MGA Entertainment, the jury decided that the Bratz look so slutty that everyone should get a piece.

The Brats dolls are famous for their bold make-up and short skirts, raising questions of whether their style is appropriate for young girls.  The lawsuit isn’t helping, teaching girls that its glamorous and exciting to be bought and sold for money, fought over, seen as an object, and as plastic as possible.

Monday, April 18, 2011

“Pass on the Salt”


Subway sandwich shops have announced plans to reduce salt in in their “Fresh Fit” subs by 28%, the first national food chain to do so.  Their method is simple: their footlongs are now 8 inches.

Two years ago, Subway led the way towards less salty food by being the first company to get their employees to lick their salty fingers before making a sub.

If customers don’t get behind the low-sodium offerings, Subway is going to wind up producing more sodium than ever – in the form of spokesman Jared Fogel’s big, salty tears.

“Where There’s Smoke, There’s Tobacco, Firearms, or Explosives”


The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives says investigations of cigarette smuggling by violent gangs have increased sharply is states that have increased tobacco taxes.  The gangs are excited because, just like the guns they are used to, cigarettes kill people.

Also, a lot of gang members smoke, so they can give themselves a discount.

If the ATF catches any of these gangs, the standard punishment is to make them smoke a whole carton so they learn a lesson.

The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives is a division of the government’s Department of Smoke and Mirrors.

“Good Luck, President Jonathan”


Nigeria’s president, Goodluck Jonathan, won the presidential election there Monday, over rival Muhammadu Buhari.  Mr. Jonathan received hundreds of congratulatory emails, mostly from Nigerians who just need a few thousand dollars to access their royal millions, which they would then share 50/50 with him.

Friday, April 15, 2011

“Moammar’s Military Might”


Moammar Gadhafi’s military forces moved into Misrata, Libya’s 3rd largest city, shelling civilian targets with tanks, artillery, and rocket-fire.  Taking a strong stance, President Obama is ready to tear up the friendly letter Gadhafi sent him last week.

“Birther Bill” or “Born in the USA”


The Arizona Legislature has passed the nation’s first bill to require proof of citizenship by birth in the U.S. to get on the stat’s ballot in presidential elections.  That means that Arizona’s own John McCain wouldn’t be able to run for president since he was born before the Americas were even colonized.

Tea Party members say the bill is insufficient, since they believe that some U.S. birth documents are manufactured and imported from Kenya.

The Constitution does say that the president must have been born in the US, and in Arizona, they just want him or her to be able to prove it, especially if they look Mexican.

"Sleepy VP"

During President Obama's deficit speech this week, cameras caught Joe Biden falling asleep.  Democrats weren’t surprised, since the White House has just made it standard practice to tranquilize him before public events so he doesn’t get off his leash and break something.

“Meat, the Staph”


A nonprofit group’s report says that half of supermarket meat may be tainted with staph bacteria.  This means you’re 100% safe from staph if you eat at Taco Bell.

Consumers were outraged, mainly because the idea of a staph infection reminded them of Rosie O’Donnell.

Staph is staphylococcus aureus, a bacteria that should be killed as long as the meat is properly cooked.  Most Americans don’t worry much about it, because they think you can’t catch what you can’t pronounce.

Those who eat meat are warned to cook it thoroughly, those who handle raw meat are warned to wash their hands thoroughly, and vegans are warned to quit being such douches about it.

The research included samples of beef, chicken, turkey, and pork.  Since the bacteria was found on each type, it implies that farm animals are getting a lot more promiscuous.

“Keeping Up with Jones”


A spokesman for actress Catherine Zeta-Jones confirmed Thursday that she had checked into a mental health facility for a brief stay earlier this month.  Catherine suddenly realized that to have married Michael Douglas years ago, she must have been crazy.

“TV Oprah Would Watch”


The Oprah Winfrey Network announced six new television series Thursday, all looking to target a predominantly female audience.  The new line-up includes the documentary series, “Oprah Spends Her Money,” the reality show “Who Wants to Eat and Entire Cake?” and the non-reality show, “Oprah’s Not a Lesbian.”

“Cleaning Out Soaps”


ABC has cancelled long running sop operas All My Children and One Life to Live.  Instead of watching, the audience for both shows will now have to get a life to live.

The network would have kept All My Children on, but they’ve literally run out of people for Susan Lucci’s character Erica Kane to sleep with.

They’ve also run out of ABC executives for Susan Lucci to sleep with.

All my Children has been on so long, it should be called “All My Great-Grandchildren.”

"You Got Served"

A mother in Michigan was upset when an Applebee's served her 15-month-old son alcohol instead of juice.  The mother was mainly upset because neither she nor her son looked young enough to get carded.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

“’Superman’ Un-Caged”


A rare, first-issue Superman comic book stolen from Nicolas Cage’s home in 2000 was recovered among the contents of a San Fernando valley storage locker liquidated in an auction.  It is a bitter-sweet occasion for Cage, because he’ll surely be happy to get the comic book back, but it won’t make his acting any better.

After the theft ten years ago, Cage took his mind off it by starring in terrible movies.

Cage is a self-described comic book collector, which is the collectors’ term for what the rest of us call “nerds.”

The comic book is valued at about $1 million, or in Nic Cage terms, a hundredth of an island.

Nic got an insurance settlement following the theft years ago.  His insurer paid him in medieval swords, mammoth skulls, and live boa constrictor.

Because of the value of the comic, it is less likely to have been stolen be a random burglar, and is more likely to be part of an elaborate plot by Lex Luthor.

The Superman comic is said to be in good condition, despite having been exposed to Kryptonite.

The police still have the comic book in their possession, as the case is still under investigation.  Because it’s the LAPD, the most likely outcome is that the cops will shoot at it to see if Superman is really bullet-proof.

Besides being a huge fan of Superman, Cage is also obviously a fan of Gene Hackman’s Lex Luthor portrayal, as evidenced by his own wearing of increasingly ridiculous wigs.


“Texas Speed”


The Texas Legislature is considering raising the speed limit of some rural highways to 85 miles per hour.  This is good news for many travelers not from Texas – who would want to get out of rural Texas as fast as humanly possible.

This speed limit would be enforced for all cars and trucks, as well as Kenyan athletes on foot.

In the Lone Star State, the faster better.  Texas is home to a large oil industry, so they would prefer that everyone had to fill their gas tanks every hour.

Friday, April 8, 2011

“Drawn Out Career”

Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that his new "Governator" character will be turned into a comic book and animated TV series.  In both, Arnold will fight, crush, and ultimately bury his arch-nemesis: California.

Like all of Schwarzenegger’s characters, the Governator will be two-dimensional.

Like everything Arnold did as governor for 7 years, this project will be cartoonish.

Schwarzenegger will do the voice acting for the character, marking the first time what he does may be considered “acting.”

“Dishes Stacking Up”

Dish Network has reportedly paid $320 million to acquire Blockbuster.  Prior to the acquisition, Blockbuster's desperation had become apparent, thanks to their new slogan, "Be kind, rewind  - to 1997."

The Dish network had originally intended to only keep Blockbuster for a short time, but now they want to hold onto it longer and see all of its special features, including behind the scenes stuff and directors’ commentary.

If Blockbuster has the effect predicted by some doubters, it may become known as Dishbuster.

“Rat Race”

In Australia, a mass migration of rats is headed into the desert.  It’s the biggest rat pack in the desert since Frank Sinatra and his friends played Las Vegas.

Based on their seeming obliviousness to human society, poor grooming habits, and foul smell, it is assumed they are headed to the rat version of the Burning Man festival.

There is a theory that the migrating rats are really just pigeons that lost their wings.

“Fish Hook”

Vendors in China have begun selling key chains that contain live fish.  So if you're in China and you can't find your keys, the cat took them.

A living fish is swimming in your keychain.  The idea is to make you feel better in case you ever drop your keys in the ocean.

Asked why they put tiny fish in carry-size tanks, the inventor said, “Because, if we put them in a little cage, they’d die.”

“Spanish Fox”

Fox announced plans to launch a Spanish-language cable channel.  The Spanish Fox News division won't bother translating the slogan "Fair and Balanced," since in English, it obviously doesn't mean anything.

“Charlie Says”

Charlie Sheen has applied to trademark 22 of his catchphrases for possible merchandising.  Most of them are only mildly amusing, but they are all still funnier than anything he ever said on Two and a Half Men.

The 22 Catchphrases will collectively be known by the nickname of Sheen’s current career standing, ‘Catch 22.’

Thursday, April 7, 2011

“3X-rated” or “Triple D Movie"


In China, a 3D porn film will be released in theaters next week. It's called Avatar: The FanBoys' Cut.

“The Pursuit of Happier Times”

Will and Jayden Smith will co-star in the next movie from M. Night Shyamalan.  Spoiler alert: The shocking surprise is that Shyamalan can still get a green light to make a movie.

Said Shymalan’s most loyal fan, “Please let it just be a remake of The Sixth Sense.  I’m telling you it was his only good movie, and I’m his most loyal fan."

He then whispered,  "He doesn’t know he’s dead.”

“Family Television”

This week's airing of The Kennedys miniseries brought record ratings to the Reelzchannel.  While much of America had been asking, “What’s Reelzchannel,” high school students are asking, “Who are the Kennedys?”

“High Hopes”

Natalie Portman said that she does not smoke marijuana anymore, despite starring in "Your Highness".  If you want to know why she stopped, just watch The Phantom Menace.

“Letter to the President”


Moammar Gaghafi wrote a letter to President Obama, delivered to the U.S. State Department Wednesday.  In the letter, Gadhafi  asks Obama to stop the U.S. led air-strikes against Libya, and begs Obama to be his pen-pal.

The 3-page letter was deemed authentic, based on Gadhafi’s handwriting, as well as the spelling mistakes, and the hearts dotting the lower-case I’s.

The letter even wishes President Obama good luck in his 2012 re-election campaign, and seems sincere, based on how hard Gadhafi appears to have been pressing with his crayon.

 In the letter, he called Obama “our son,” just to screw with the “Birthers.”

Gadhafi, signed the letter with his name, and the title “Leader of the Revolution.”  This is odd, since he has been the president of Libya for 40 years.  Now that there is a rebellion, it sounds like he’s trying to confuse Obama into thinking that he’s switched sides.

"iCrime"


The FBI is assisting in several robbery cases at Apple stores.  So far, clues are leading them towards suspects who are smug about how much smarter they are than PC thieves.

Authorities will try to identify thieves caught on security video, as soon as they pay the 99 cents for that video on iTunes.

The thieves may be hard to catch, since they can get away at 4G speed.

“Beck Off”


Fox news and Glenn Beck jointly announced that Beck’s daily program will be going off the air.  To prepare for the transition, for a long time now, Beck has been going off his rocker.

Beck attributes the end of his show to a liberal, left-wing conspiracy to bring him down.

“King of Fools Takes the Throne”


An April fools’ prank sent a Maryland man to the hospital after his buttocks became super-glued to a Wal-Mart bathroom toilet seat.  Between the ordeal and the hospital bill, the man was completely wiped out.

If the perpetrator is found, he could face assault charges, and it won’t be hard to make them stick.

Once the man was stuck to the seat, even Walmart didn’t have the power to roll it back.

Walmart seemed the right place for this kind of prank, since it was such a cheap trick.

The man was embarrassed, of course, that people would find out he shopped at Walmat.

On the bright side, the Walmart let the man have that toilet seat at a rock-bottom price.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

“A Take-off on Southwest”

http://travel.usatoday.com/flights/story/2011/04/NTSB-Cracks-found-in-3-grounded-Southwest-planes/45742922/1

Southwest Airlines has grounded 79 more jetliners for passenger cabin inspections and found 3 more with subsurface cracks similar to those which caused a Sacramento-bound flight to make an emergency landing last week. Prior to the incident, Southwest had simply advertised such cracks as extra cabin room.

Grounding the planes isn’t expected to be a long-term problem since, by now, most Southwest passengers are already used to sitting on the tarmac for hours before take-off.

As for the plane where the top of the cabin started to come off mid-flight, Southwest’s public relations team is proud to announce the latest trend in commercial air travel, convertible planes.

“”Winning’ Tickets”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2011-04-03-sheen-live_N.htm?csp=hf

Charlie Sheen got booed by the audience in Detroit during his first live performance of his 20-city tour. Further proof that Detroit is really making a comeback.

“Animated Discussion”

http://www.usatoday.com/tech/news/2011-04-04-creepy-animation_N.htm

The Disney movie Mars Needs Moms may have failed with moviegoers due an animation reaction known as the “uncanny valley,” a phenomenon of rejecting animated characters who look realistically human, but still somehow lack the feeling of a real living person. Viewers have the same reaction to Joan Rivers and George Hamilton.

“Bouncing, Boxing Baby”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2011/04/laila-ali-gives-birth-to-baby-girl-/1

Laila Ali, boxer and daughter of Muhammad Ali, gave birth to a girl Monday morning. Both mother and daughter are doing well, though in the early rounds of labor, Laila took some punishment to the midsection.

The baby was born about 3am, and immediately a referee sent her to a neutral corner.

The little girl’s name is Sydney, proclaimed by unanimous judges’ decision.

Muhammad Ali is all ready to have baby Sydney face off against Joe Frasier’s granddaughter.

“The Return of the ‘King’?”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2011-04-03-larry-king_N.htm

Larry King says that since retiring from his nightly show, he misses doing TV. Mainly because he doesn’t remember ever doing it.

Larry says he would like to do another show, but he’d like it to be something different than what he’s done before. For example, he’d love to do a show that was actually interesting.

Friday, April 1, 2011

“APRIL NEWS”

In a landmark vote, the House of Representatives approved the legalization of marijuana and hemp in the United States. Provisions for licensing and taxing, as well as labeling for age restrictions, will be handled by the U.S. Tobacco lobby to make up for their lost profits in recent years. Cigarette companiy CEO’s have already begun preparing for the transition by removing all of their office furniture in favor of a second-hand futon, a table lamp that has to sit on the floor, and a cardboard box sturdy enough to be used as a makeshift table.

President Obama made a brief statement today, where he resigned from office so quickly and subtly that nobody even noticed except Vice President Joe Biden, who audibly said, “Oh, hell yeah,” before Obama abruptly left the podium in tears. First Lady Michelle Obama did not speak, but stood by her husband’s side, nodding her head with her arms folded as he spoke.

Charlie Sheen apologized to Chuck Lorre today, and as a preliminary step towards negotiating Sheen’s return to Two and a Half Men, CBS arranged that the two meet over drinks, cocaine, mechanical bull-riding and pole-dancing tryouts, all to be done simultaneously while juggling lit torches. If they can’t come to an agreement, they must duel with chainsaws until one of them is dead. CBS expressed no preference in the matter, but is already meeting with Jon Cryer’s people to discuss future options.

Tom Cruise admitted that he is gay through his publicist and lover, hoping that the confession will lure movie-goers to his new summer blockbuster, Missionary Impossible: Closet Ops Unit. His wife Katie Holmes will co-produce, but not re-produce. Suri will be adopted by Will and Jada Pinckett Smith, who will help her deal with the family changes by assuring her stardom in movies and music videos.

YouTube sensation Rebecca Black has been offered an exclusive multi-million-dollar recording contract, the terms of which specify that she is never allowed to record her image or voice ever again. Black described herself as “so, so, so excited,” and says she will sign the contract after the weekend, which, apparently, she has been really looking forward to.

Betty White is joining the cast of a hit movie franchise for its next sequel. Betty will play herself in the next Jackass! movie, where she will staple her own neck skin to the back of her head in a stunt called “face-lift” and she will pee in her own pants in a prank called, “being old.” Johnny Knoxville is already committed to getting drunk and making out with Betty as part of her compensation, and Steve-O says he can hardly wait to imitate every stunt she tries, even though he isn’t being paid to.

“Royal Ring?”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2011/03/prince-william-wont-wear-a-wedding-ring/1?csp=hf

A spokesman for Britain’s Royal Family says that in keeping with tradition, Prince William will not wear a wedding ring after he gets married. In fact, keeping with marriage tradition, it will be his wife who will be on control of the family jewels.

Conversely, William’s fiancĂ©e Kate Middleton will not only wear her wedding ring, but sources close to the family say she even intends to keep wearing it after the divorce.

“Sightless Suit”

http://travel.usatoday.com/flights/post/2011/04/blind-federation-sues-las-vegas-airport/150330/1

The National Federation for the Blind is suing Las Vegas’s McCarran Airport for failing to make its self-serve kiosks operable by the visually impaired. Blind people trying to use them had been putting in quarters and wondering why they never won.

The airport intends to claim that they, too, are visually impaired, because they never saw this coming.

It may be hard to get thee courts to be impartial in the case, since Justice is also blind.