Wednesday, July 27, 2011

“Shot in the Arm”

The National Institutes of Health has predicted that a one-time, universal flu shot may be developed within five years, replacing annual shots that specific strains.  The only thing that would have made the news more encouraging is if they were working on a shot to cure a fear of needles.

“Ain’t No Mountain Lion ‘Nuff”

DNA testing has shown that a mountain lion that wound up on a Connecticut freeway last month had come 1500 miles, all the way from South Dakota.  Presumably by hitch-hiking.

Usually, a cougar is stalking prey in Connecticut is just a 40-year old woman looking for Yale frat boys.

“Not Such a ‘Good Day’”

L.A. Ink star Kat Von D walked off the set of Good Day LA just minutes before she was to appear, after  host Jeff Michael brought up her recent break-up with Jesse James.  Hopefully, she’s just ashamed of having gone out with him at all.

It’s hard to imagine what Jeff Michael did that bothered her.  I don’t think he was needling her.

It’s not like Good Day LA put a tattoo of Jesse James’ face onto her side – she did that herself.

After Kat’s sudden flight over the very mention of Jesse James, Good Day’s co-hosts expressed their disapproval and surprise on air.  Not bothered by it at all: Sandra Bullock.

Von D tweeted that Good Day LA wasted her morning and showed a lack of compassion and respect.  But you can tell that she didn’t really mean it because she didn’t have it tattooed onto her body.

One can assume that now there won’t be any upcoming “Good Day LA Ink” cross-over episode.

“GE’s New Image”

GE Healthcare, a maker of diagnostic imaging equipment, is moving its X-ray global headquarters from the U.S. to Beijing, China.  There will be only one small change production: the X-Ray’s won’t show anything because the machines will be covered in lead paint.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

“Wu’s Woes”

Oregon Congressman David Wu announced today that he will resign, as he faces allegations of having an unwanted sexual encounter with a campaign contributor’s 18-year-old daughter.  Or as Congress has begun to call that, “self-imposed term limits.”

“Danger Dogs”

The Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine has launched an advertising campaign to convince the public that hot dogs are as dangerous to health as cigarettes.   Teens suddenly found hot dogs much cooler.

People are advised not to light up or smoke hot dogs.

The group paid for a billboard ad warning about the health risks associated with over-eating processed meats.  The problem with the billboard is, anyone who thinks hot dogs are healthy is probably illiterate, too.

“Healthy Happy Meals”

McDonald’s is launching a change to their Happy Meals for kids: apple slices in every box.  It’s part of their new initiative to send more traffic to Burger King.

The most difficult part of the transition for McDonald’s is the training to keep their employees from instinctively deep-frying the apple slices.

Kids seemed genuinely excited about apple-filled Happy Meals, but that’s because, when they heard the word Apple, they thought their Happy Meals came with Apple gift cards for iTunes. 

“Sleep and Your Brain”

A new study says that lack of sleep prevents the brain from creating new memories.  In a related story, another new study says that lack of sleep prevents the brain from creating new memories.

Adults are reminded how important sleep really is, but they are only going to forget again.

“ Boss of ‘Bosses’ to Boss Again”

The director of the hit comedy Horrible Bosses, Seth Gordon, is already in talks to turn the movie into a franchise.  In the spirit of The Hangover 2, the follow-up will be called Horrible Sequel.

Monday, July 25, 2011

“Chinese Apple”

China has shut down 2 out of 5 unauthorized Apple stores for lacking business permits.  The iPads and other merchandise were genuine Apple products, but the employees weren’t nearly smug enough.

Here in the United States, Apple products are known to be almost virus-proof.  In China, they get viruses all the time, but the government just denies it.

The Chinese versions of the iPad and iPhone are exactly the same as ours, except instead touching the screen with your finger, you use chopsticks.

“Play Ball” or “NFL Tackles New Contract”

The NFL stand-off between team owners and the players union ended with a new 10-year agreement Monday.  The only thing the players need now is to have someone read it to them.

Fans will be glad that the players will be returning to the field, while police are just glad the players are off the streets.

31 out of 32 teams ratified the agreement.  The only ones who didn’t sign were the Raiders, who were too busy killing people.

The agreement enabled both sides to come to a compromise on most of the major points, and of course, there was an extra point.

Friday, July 22, 2011

“The Chosen Children”

Gwyneth Paltrow says she is raising her kids as Jews.  It’s working: the kids already feel a lot of guilt about it.

One will control all the banks, and the other will control the media.

Paltrow will promise not to beat her children only if they are willing to give up portions of their bedrooms.

“Supersized Anger”

The manager of a McDonald's in Atlanta was arrested after punching a female customer in the parking lot.  The manager explained that she was just serving McDonald’s new McKnuckle Sandwich.

The manager didn’t mind going to jail, because at least the uniform is less embarrassing.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

“Tall Tale”

A new British study suggests that taller people may be at higher risk for certain types of cancer.  As a result, many tall teenagers have begun smoking to stunt their growth.

On the flipside, short women are more likely to endure the pain of high heels.

“Courting Lindsay Lohan”

Lindsay Lohan appeared before the judge from her bracelet theft case,  to have her probation review.  She was told to begin her 480 hours of community service, reminded to enroll in anti-shoplifting classes,  and reminded to set up her court-ordered psychological counseling. Or as Lindsay calls it, Thursday.

“Arnold Likes to Pump Up, but Not Pay Up”

According to their divorce papers, Arnold Schwarzenegger does not want to pay spousal support to Maria Shriver.  To be fair, he’s been out of a job since January.

Arnold is trying to cut her off like she was a California state employee.

If you objectively look at the math, Arnold really cannot afford to pay spousal support, because he’s got too many hush money payments to keep making to his other former mistresses.

“Space In” or “Memorabilia Takes Flight”

This week as the Space Shuttle Atlantis is in orbit on its final journey, interest in space memorabilia has seen a massive increase, with space collectibles selling fast.  The sudden trend has caught such a fury, women are even having pity sex with astronomy nerds.

As far as how much money might be made off these items of interest, it seems that the sky is the limit.
Since authentic space-related collectibles have become so instantly popular, not surprisingly, the price of sky-rockets has sky-rocketed.

“Sex Sells… Newspapers”

The Gay and Lesbian Victory Fund reports that 107 openly gay candidates were elected to office in 2010, which they attribute to a change in public attitudes regarding the sexual orientation of their elected officials.  For the most part, voters aren’t interested whether or not a candidate is gay; they’re just tired of politicians’ back-door deals.

Arizona state senator Kristen Sinema, a 35-year-old woman who is openly bisexual, says her constituents don’t care.  Except the ones who openly think that it’s actually kind of hot.

Voters don’t mind gay politicians, because they are tired of elected officials lying about their sexuality, and would rather they go back to lying about everything else.

USA Today is reporting that it is increasingly “not a big deal.”  So much so that they had to do a full feature story on it.

“Mail Ego”

The U.S. Postmaster General is trying to get Congress to allow the Postal Service to cut Saturday mail delivery due to budget issues and a fall-off in mail.  Experts predict a continued drop in paper mail by 2015, when the only thing still being mailed will be everybody in America’s unemployment checks.

Five-day-a-week mail delivery will give the post office more time to bend your photos and tear your checks.

It also means you won’t be able to throw those bills you can’t pay in the trash until Monday.

So far, the only person who seems bothered by a possible delay in weekend mail is Ted Kaszinsky.

“Caddy Sacked” or "Tiger Strikes"

Tiger Woods has let his long-time caddy, Steve Williams, go after 13 years.  It seems Woods has been keeping at least a dozen other caddies on the side.

Williams was not happy about the parting, especially after the two just had sex last night.

Tiger ended the relationship, and then got into a golf cart and drove it into a tree.

Monday, July 18, 2011

“Charlie’s in Charge”

Charlie Sheen has landed a new sitcom, Anger Management, based on the Jack Nicholson/Adam Sandler movie of the same title.  Sheen says he’s looking forward to the series because he thinks it’s a great concept, but really he’s looking forward to it because drugs and hookers are so expensive.

Charlie took the job because of the financial offer, as well as the chance to have more creative control, but mainly because the producers were crazy enough to hire him.

“Traveling at the Grope Rate”

A Colorado woman was arrested last week for squeezing the breasts of a TSA security screener in the Phoenix airport.   The woman was arrested, charged, and offered a job as a TSA security screener.

At first the TSA agent didn’t notice, since that’s how all TSA agents now greet each other in the morning.

“One for the Books” or “Borders Not Secured”

The Wall Street Journal reported Monday that Borders will be shutting down its company and closing all of its bookstores by September.  Responded America, “What’s a bookstore?”

“White/Tie Affair”

In a parallel to a recent story where Mila Kunis accepted a U.S. marine’s YouTube video invitation to the Marine Corps Ball, Marine Sgt. Ray Lewis has posted a video asking Betty White to the ball.  If Betty accepts, she’s expected to show up and dance with Sgt. Lewis, and after the ball, let him go all the way.

So there are 2 questions for Betty.  1. Does she care about the marines?  And 2. Does she love balls? 

Friday, July 15, 2011

“Face the Music”

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have announced through a publicist that they are ending their marriage of 7 years.  They did not announce arrangements for their 3-year-old twins, but the couple will share joint custody of Jennifer’s booty.

Though news of the break-up is sad, what’s even sadder is now Steven Tyler thinks he’s got a shot.

“It’s What’s Under the Uniform that Counts.”

A police department in Indiana has apologized for accidentally revealing the bra sizes of female officers.  Meanwhile, female officers in training are upping their push-ups.

Based on the arrests the female officers have made, their records show impressive busts.

In a related story, their new dress uniforms will be double-breasted.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

“Charlie Lives”

False rumors that spread on the Internet Tuesday claiming that Charlie Sheen was dead were intended to infect computers with viruses.  The rumor that Charlie Sheen is personally infecting people with viruses, however, is true.

“North & South”

A Riverside politician has proposed 13 California counties secede from California to form their own state to be called "South California."  Those missing counties would then be replaced by Mexico.

The plan is generally considered impractical, however, since it would be too hard to design an American flag with 51 stars.

“Clemons’ Time”

The judge in Roger Clemons perjury trial declared a mistrial Thursday, when prosecutors presented evidence to the jury that had been previously banned.  The prosecutors immediately called “foul.”

Clemons, being a pitcher, is concerned about the courts’ “3 strikes” rule.

“History Not Just a ‘Straight’ Line”

Governor Jerry Brown signed into law a new bill Thursday that adds gay history to the social studies curriculum in California public schools.  So now, California students will finally learn about Socrates, Julius Caesar, Joan of Arc, Napoleon, the entire Confederate army, Abraham Lincoln, Oscar Wilde, Rock Hudson, Harvey Milk, and Hillary Clinton.

By including the contributions of gays who played a role in shaping history, the schools’ goal will be to make social studies much more social.

Previously, the only official gay curriculum in the schools was Drama Club.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

“Race with the Cops”

Rodney King was arrested on drunk driving charges in Riverside, CA Tuesday.  King had publicly struggled with alcoholism, and despite the help of nightstick-wielding white police officers, has yet to really beat it.

Hoping to avoid arrest on a DUI after he was pulled over for traffic violations, King said, “Can’t we all just get a ticket?”

King’s arrest and booking took place without any incidence of violence.  To celebrate their restraint, the police later went out clubbing.

The last time King had an incident involving being pulled over by Los Angeles police in 1991, it wasn’t funny.  It was a riot.

WARNING: Explicit Material. “In Disposed”

A California woman is facing multiple felony charges for allegedly drugging her estranged husband, tying him up, cutting off his penis, and throwing it in a garbage disposal.  She was obviously upset, but now he is totally P’d off.

The couple is in the midst of a messy divorce, and she made it a lot messier.

At least her actions will prevent one of those ugly custody battles for the penis.

Feeling especially violated is the garbage disposal.

“Oprah Takes Care of her OWN”

Oprah Winfrey has named herself the CEO of her new cable channel OWN.  This makes Oprah the literal master of self-promotion.

Oprah may have wanted to make sure she was the top executive since the brand bears her name, or she may have just wanted a fat raise. 

“Snooki’s Booki”

Jersey Shore’s Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is writing her second book, to be titled Gorilla Beach.  It’s about the time she forgot to shave her legs.

The book will be a novel, rather than a memoir, about romance on the shore.  Snooki’s had too many blackouts to remember any of her many, many sexual trysts.

Snooki is proud of her status as an author, but would be less so if she realized that there were other books in the world besides hers.

“Keep Your Eyes on the Air”

In Alaska, two small airplanes collided midair, but miraculously, neither plane sustained serious damage and both landed safely.  Even more amazing, no one immediately got out to look at the damage.

Though there were no injuries, both pilots could still wind up in trouble, for leaving the scene of an accident.

Because of the danger of collisions like this in the area known as Lake Clark Pass, The FAA wants to erect a warning sign 25,000 feet high.

Both pilots agree, from now on, no texting while flying.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

“Top Ten Rock Bottom”

Early Sunday morning, after an all-night bender, a drunk man broke into the Ed Sullivan Theater, where David Letterman’s The Late Show is taped, vandalized the lobby and urinated on a door.  Letterman later said, “Sorry, but that’s what I do when I forget my keys.”

Just to be on the safe side, Letterman once again apologized for making jokes about Sarah Palin.

At first police suspected a drunk tourist, because a native New Yorker would have just peed in the street.

Police are looking at the usual suspects: all the husbands and boyfriends of Letterman’s female employees.

“Cream of the Crop” or “The Big Cheese”

Prince Charles and his wife Camilla observed the process for a commemorative Queen’s Diamond Jubilee cheddar cheese at the Dairy Crest creamery Tuesday.    There was an awkward moment when a dairy employee mistook Camilla for a cow and tried to milk her.

Being a good sport, Camilla gave about 2 gallons.

R.I.P. Sherwood Schwartz, or “A Very Brady Funeral”

Sherwood Schwartz, creator of The Brady Bunch, died Tuesday at the age of 94.   On the bright side, Alice will finally be allowed to sit and eat dinner with the family.

At the memorial service, the family dog Tiger will knock over the entire refreshments table.
Cindy asked a department store Santa Claus to bring him back to life so he can sing in church on Christmas morning.

Upon hearing the eulogies from family, friends, and fans, Jan Brady finally burst into tears, saying, “Sherwood, Sherwood, Sherwood!  That’s all I ever hear about!”

Peter Brady was very upset when he heard the news, which explained why his voice kept cracking.

In lieu of flowers, Marcia Brady has asked fans to do anything they can to get special guest Davy Jones to show up at the funeral.

The cause of death seems to be related to the fact that he broke mom’s favorite vase.

He would have lived longer, but “Something suddenly came up.”

Greg Brady was asked to sing at the memorial, but only because he fit the suit.

Schwartz started out as a writer for Bob Hope’s radio show, but became a TV producer once Marcia got him to take of his glasses and gave him a make-over.

Schwartz also created Gilligan’s island.  So at the funeral, though there will be no studio audience, there will be a laugh track.

Mourners can pay their respects graveside, with the body in a hammock set up in a straw hut.

Schwartz was supposed to have a burial at sea, but the casket got lost in a storm and then struck ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle.

In the next world, Schwartz will have to make the best of having no phone, no light, no motorcar; not a single luxury.

     In all seriousness, Mr. Schwartz, you gave generations of American families a lot of laughter and fond memories.  Your creations live on in pop-culture spanning every medium, affectionate parody and tribute, and endless reruns.  Thank you for each beloved character, story, and theme song.  May you rest in peace.

Monday, July 11, 2011

“Arnold: He’ll Be Back”

Arnold Schwarzenegger has signed on to appear in his first movie since his term as governor ended and his marriage split was announced, and it’s a Western.  There’s a rumor it’s going to be a Spaghetti Western, about the child he had with his housekeeper. It will be called, Pasta La Vista, Baby.

Some other possible movie titles:
 The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Affair
A Fistful of Dollars for the Housekeeper
For a Few Dollars More for your Love Child
Once Upon a Time in a Mexican.
Dutch Cassidy and the Secret Kid
or possibly
Tomb-Stone: It’s Not a Tomb-er

Based on his current weight and muscle-toe, however, some movie fans think Arnold should stick to roles like Conan, the Barber.  

“Big Baby”

A Texas woman gave birth to her fourth child Friday, a baby boy, who weighed 16lbs., 1 oz.  or as they call that in Texas, “average.”

The boy’s name is JaMichael, but all the other babies just call him “sir.”

Hospital staff was not surprised at how heavy the baby is.  All he does is just lie there.

Since newborn babies can’t really ‘diet,’ doctors recommend that he just start smoking to lose weight.

The mother is dressing him in all- black diapers because they are slimming.

In the upcoming superhero movie The Avengers, The baby will be replacing Mark Ruffalo as the Hulk.

Friday, July 8, 2011

“Work Force”

President Obama spoke on the subject of unemployment Friday, saying “We have a lot of work to do.”  That’s the problem, though; there is no work.

“Space Out”

The Space Shuttle Atlantis launched Friday, on its very last mission, where it will deliver essential supplies to the International Space Station.  From here on, Russian spacecraft will be used to supply the station, as even space travel has been outsourced.

The Atlantis will be in space for 12 days, return to Earth, and then have one hour to clean out its desk and get off NASA property.

“War and Price”

The House of Representatives passed a spending bill that raises the budget for Defense to $649 billion.  Between the economy and the two current wars, you can’t blame the House for being defensive.

“Victorian Secret”

In his own South London garden, famed naturalist Sir David Attenborough discovered the skull of a woman murdered in 1879, which was used to piece together enough evidence this week to positively identify the victim’s maid as her killer.  Just when she started to think she got away with it, too. 

London police can hardly charge the killer in a 132-year-old case, but just in case, they are warning people not to travel back in time to 1879.

“Milking the System”

An Ohio woman pleaded guilty to misdemeanor assault charges related to exposing her breast and spraying sheriff’s deputies with her milk after they tried to pull her from a car.  Assualt charge?  She must have really creamed them.

The charge would have been a felony had she fired with both barrels.

Her defense for squirting milk at the cops is that she thought they were acting like babies.

The deputies didn’t handcuff her, but they did have to wrestle her into a nursing bra.

After taking a direct hit of breast milk, the deputies went to a local hospital, where they were burped and released.

The woman needed to have a lawyer in court, or else she could have claimed lactation without representation.

Not only did she testify, she had a lot to get off her chest.

No deputies were injured, but after the assault they lay down with their blankies for a nap.

The original incident took place about a month ago, giving the deputies the chance to be weaned.

“Eight for Today”

Octomom Nadya Suleman appeared on the Today show for an interview with her octoplets and one older daughter.  Nadya stressed that she was not being paid for the interview, unless you count free babysitting by Ann Curry.

“Adopting Obama”

New documents suggest that President Obama was almost put up for adoption when he was a child.  And if he had been, Rod Blagojevich was ready to sell his crib to the highest bidder.

“Here’s Charlie”

According to TMZ, Charlie Sheen's new sitcom will be based on a Jack Nicholson movie.  Charlie auditioned by spending the last 6 months acting like Nicholson's character in The Shining.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

"Virtual Rights"

Last week, The Supreme Court struck down a California law that would have banned selling violent video games to kids, based on First Amendment rights issues.  The law's intention was to get kids off the couch and outside, where they can commit crimes for real.

“Implanted Evidence” or “Scare Tactics”

The TSA has issued a warning to airlines that terrorists might try to surgically implant bombs into their bodies.  They issued that warning when they saw the average American’s  cholesterol level.
No doubt about it; it’s a ticking time bomb.

This means that if Kim Kardashian really did have butt implants and they became unstable, she could be charged with carrying weapons of ass destruction.

If suicide bombers are willing to insert explosive devices into body cavaties as a way of concealing them, in a way, that means we really have won the war on terror.  You stick a bomb up your own butt, you lose.

The terrorists may not find it that easy to have explosive implants put in.  Only one out of three Beverly Hills plastic surgeons is willing to insert implants with a live fuse sticking out.

Just remember, if you are a suicide bomber putting explosive implants in your body, use saline instead of silicone.  Safety first.

Terrorist organizations have only one volunteer so far: Heidi Montag.  She will get any kind of implant they can make.

How does al-Qaida convince its members to sign up for explosive implants?  “Yes, brothers, get explosive implants.  You will be richly rewarded, not only in heaven, but here on earth, too... briefly.  You are going to kill Americans, but first, you’ll go from an A-cup to a double-D!  (Beat.)  First... va-va-voom.  Then... va-va-boom!”

"Kiwi Quake"

A 7.6 earthquake hit remote islands of New Zealand early Thursday morning, causing a small tsunami.  There were high waves, but no damage due to the distance from civilization, so it just meant the Hobbits could spend the day surfing.

“Cheat Sheet”

A state investigation revealed rampant systematic cheating in Atlanta schools that involved 44 schools and 38 principals trying to make their schools look better on standardized tests.  Pending further discipline and possible criminal charges, the principals were all sent directly to their own offices.

The administrators who gave up their principles may wind up with schools without principals.

The state is looking for more answers, which the teachers were eager to give away.

The press are trying to help the public fill in the blanks, which is difficult, since many of the principals had already filled in the blanks supposed to be answered by students.

Some educators are defending their actions, saying that since these were standardized tests, all they had to do was making cheating the standard.

Some principals questioned offered answers, but it turns out they stole those answers from other principals around them.

“CNN Spits Him Out”

CNN has cancelled former New York governor Eliot Spitzer’s show In the Arena due to poor ratings.  In what had obviously been a coin-toss decision, CNN now wishes they had hired Spitzer’s prostitute instead.

Spitzer screwed the network unintentionally, which is why he didn’t have to pay for it.

Spitzer was consistently beaten by Bill O’Reilly.  While he was at his last job, that cost extra.

“Animal Magnetism”

Kim Kardashian told Cosmopolitan magazine that because of all her public scrutiny, she sometimes feels like a zoo animal.  She should really try front-facing sex.

She is like a zoo animal: she has no job, she struts around on display, and the public is able to observe her mating rituals any time of day.

Asked if she was thinking of any zoo animal in particular, she said, “I guess Khloe.”

The only zoo animal Kim could actually be mistaken for would be a species of camel that has the humps on the backside.

“Baseball News”

The New York Times is trying to sell its stake in the Boston Red Sox.  They explained that red clashes with their yellow journalism.

“’Desperate’ Seeking Susan?”

Susan Lucci has confirmed that after All My Children ends she may be joining the cast of Desperate Housewives.  Her fans approve, since they are named in the title of the show.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

“Independent Research”

The nation celebrated Independence Day on Monday, marking the anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of independence in 1776.  Or, according to today’s high school students’ knowledge of history, we commemorate Will Smith’s victory over aliens trying to destroy the Earth.

On July 4th, the 13 British colonies declared independence from the monarchy, so that one day a nation of obese hedonists could barbecue and get drunk on the beach.

“Where’s the (Roast) Beef?”

The Wendy’s Company has sold the majority of its ownership of the Arby’s fast food brand.  In fact, at every Wendy’s in the country, the food tasted just a little bit better today.

Wendy’s had struggled since it was combined with Arby’s in 2008, but Wall Street now describes Wendy’s future as hot and juicy.

Arby’s was sold to Roark Capital Group, an equity firm based in Atlanta.  At first, Roark was not interested in acquiring Arby’s, but it seemed a lot more appealing once it had a little horsey sauce on it.

"King Memorial"

The dedication of the Martin Luther King, Jr. National Memorial is set for August 28, but controversy lingers over Dr. King’s 30-ft. granite statue.  Though some critics have said it looks too Asian, and some have said the pose is too confrontational, no one has openly complained about the color of the granite.

Perhaps symbolic of Dr. King’s fight for civil rights, the memorial utilized many civil engineers.

Upon hearing about the King Memorial, Larry King said, “But I’m not even dead yet.”

"The Hot Dog of Eating "

Joey Chestnut won his 5th consecutive title at the International Hot Dog Eating Contest on July 4th, eating 62 hot dogs in 10 minutes.  The contest is held on the 4th of July because right afterwards, the contestants explode.

Chestnut won the Championship belt, which of course, he can already no longer wear.

Chestnut and second place finisher Patrick Bertoletti began the competition neck-and-neck.  But by the end, of course, they had no necks.

It is a relief to have a weiner story that has nothing to do with a disgraced New York Congressman.