Wednesday, March 30, 2011

“French Connection”

On Monday, a French man climbed the world's tallest building. His goal wasn't reaching the top. Because he's French, he just wanted to look down on everything else. Building engineers marveled at the feat. Specifically, now they wonder how they are going to get rid of the smell

“Eyeing of the Tigers”

India's tiger census shows that the number of tigers in that country is on the rise. Meanwhile, The United States singles' cruise census is seeing a rise in its number of cougars.


A new survey finds that people who cheat on their taxes are also more likely to keep the wrong change given to them by a cashier, or to keep a $20 bill they saw someone drop. They also wish survey conductors would just mind their own damn business.

“Princes Party”

Prince Harry threw Prince William a top-secret bachelor party last weekend. They traded their clothes with look-alike poor people and went to a pauper strip club.

Rumor is, they both had a royal ball.

"Frowny Facebook"

Researchers say that Facebook can lead to depression in some teens. Especially if they accept a friend request from Morrisey.

The researchers say that these cases of teen depression only validate that Facebook is a normal part of life.

Sadly, this means that some teens are blaming Facebook for their decision to dress Goth.

"Mournful Game"

Friends brought a coffin with the body of a recently deceased 17-year-old boy into a soccer match in Columbia. Due to his impartiality, he was appointed as a referee.

His friends just wanted to bring him to the game as a way of saying goodbye. It was a sweet tribute to the young soccer fan, until his friends' over-enthusiasm led to the body being knocked around the stands, beach-ball style.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

“No Lo, No Mo’.”

Dina Lohan is reportedly dropping th name Lohan and going back to her maiden name, Sullivan. Lindsay is also dropping Lohan, but not adding Sullivan. She will soon be known to everyone simply as “Prisoner #374629”

“Don’t Kill the Messenger”

NASA’s Messenger spacecraft, now in orbit of the planet Mercury, is sending back photographs of never-before-seen regions of the planet. The first things discovered: Mercury’s vacation hotspots, off-track betting, and red light district.

“Violence Is the Question, Not the Answer”

Facebook took down a 340,000 follower page promoting a 3rd Palestinian “intifada,” or uprising, against Israel, citing threats of violence in Jerusalem and calling for the killing of Jews. The group will put a new page up on MySpace, who will leave it alone because they’re happy just to have anyone at this point.

“Shark Tale”

In the Gulf of Mexico, 3 commercial fisherman got a scare when an 8-foot, 375-lb. mako shark jumped into their boat. When they first heard the splashing, one of the men thought it was a mermaid, but he soon realized his mistake and was later treated for the bite-marks on his penis.

The crew of the boat had been fishing for red snapper, which is only useful information for combining the 2 species when the story is adapted as a TV-movie for the SyFy Channel, called Snapper-Shark!

“Hilton: 'Ho,Tell'”

Blogger Perez Hilton has announced that he will be writing a children’s book. All he has to do now wait for celebrity children to do things that he can ridicule.

The book will really tap a new market, as there are not a lot of choices in children’s literature that promote mean-spirited gossip.

The book is tentatively titled “The Boy with Pink Hair,” and will tell the story of a boy who found hi identity by hiding behind a fake name while he exploited well-known people he’d never met, to gain fame and make money.

Perez says that the book is about celebrating self-acceptance. Which he’ll need when everybody hates his stupid book.

The publishers of the book admit that the only reason they agreed to a printing is because they thought they were representing Paris Hilton.

“Milk Money” or “Food for Thought”

A controversial new doll called “The Breast Milk Baby” allows children to imitate breast-feeding by wearing an included halter-top built with flower-shaped sensors where nipples would be, that make the doll make sucking sounds. The doll also comes with a bottle to feed the baby, for little girls who don’t love their dollies enough to breast feed them.

This toy has some parents outraged, particularly mothers who can’t remove batteries from their babies to get them to stop crying for their "halter top flowers."

To make it more realistic, the manufacturer plans to make the doll cry for a feeding every two hours, especially overnight.

Monday, March 28, 2011

“Plastic Dictator” or "Moammar Gadhafi: A Lady's Man"

A Brazilian plastic surgeon claims that he performed cosmetic surgical procedures on Moammar Gadhafi is 1995, because the Libyan leader didn’t want to be seen as an old man. It’s the first time a plastic surgeon has ever bragged about such lousy work.

Recent pictures of Gadhafi show that even now he doesn’t look like an old man. More like an old lady.

The surgeon also gave Gadhafi hair plugs, he says, which explains that ridiculous moustache and goatee.

“The Late Ms. Taylor”

Elizabeth Taylor was literally late for her own funeral on Thursday. She had included among her final arrangements a wish to have her casket arrive 15 minutes after the service was to have begun. In the finest sense of the word, “What a diva.”

It’s possible that her late arrival bothered some people, as many gathered were seen crying.

“Paul Will Reiser Again”

Paul Reiser has a new sitcom set to debut in April on NBC. It's about what happens to a middle-aged man when his Mad About You money runs out.

"Little Gay Mouse"

Scientists in China have bred mice to be gay by making their brains unreceptive to serotonin. To measure their success, they exposed the mice to cats, and the gay mice were all afraid of the pussies.

One way to tell if a mouse is gay is if he walks around shirtless, wearing red, skin-tight short-shorts.

A youth pastor in Iowa who was arrested for having sex with teenage boys, which he claimed would cure them of their homosexuality. Not surprisingly, it didn’t cure him.

In jail, the pastor is going to get a taste of his own medicine. Literally.

"Orchestra Pits"

In an experiment to see if music would help them grow, London's Royal Philharmonic Orchestra performed a concert for an audience of plants. The plants didn't grow, but they did become snobs.

"The BB King"

In Texas, a man fired a BB at a Taco Bell drive-though because he was upset about the price increase of a burrito. But that's nothing compared to what shot out of him after eating the burrito.

Another upset customer shocked all of Texas when he expressed his unhappiness using only words.

"Charlie, Live!"

Charlie Sheen's publicist says that Sheen's upcoming live performances will not be written. The publicist elaborated, "How do you write a train wreck?"

"Brown Out"

Chris Brown apologized for breaking a window backstage in anger after his Good Morning America interview Tuesday. Brown explained, “I never would’ve smashed that window if there had been a girl around to punch.”

Thursday, March 24, 2011

"RIP: Elizabeth Taylor, Queen of the Nile and the Silver Screen"

Screen legend Elizabeth Taylor has died at the age of 79. The following tribute/roast is lovingly written in the voice of her longtime (comedic) "critic," Joan Rivers:


"I can’t believe Elizabeth Taylor died. May she rest in peace. All I can say is, they’d better not cremate her. She’d gotten so fat her ashes would overflow out of the urn.

"She was a pig. If they want to find a coffin big enough for her to fit in, they’re going to have to raise the Titanic.

"Liz was like the Grand Canyon: a natural thing of beauty that anyone could go deep into.

"And speaking of giant holes…

"What a slut! Liz Taylor was like the Beverly Hills Hotel ballroom: every Hollywood A-lister was invited inside for at least one affair.

"Can we talk? She had so many husbands, her vagina didn’t have labia. It had a revolving door.

"She married more people than most ordained ministers.

"A lot of people thought she was American, but she was born in England. In fact, when she was born, America was still just known as “the colonies.”

"But I have to hand it to her, she got a lot of press. Liz was the original tabloid queen, always in the gossip pages. There was more ink on her than Kat Von D.

"Then finally, after 8 husbands, she gave up on men and started hanging out with Michael Jackson.

"Talk about being past her prime. She was just like a dollar bill: old, wrinkled, and obsolete.

"She played Cleopatra in 1963, but for the past 20 years she’s looked like a mummy.

"Can we talk about her age? Liz became a star by the time she was 16, while the other stars in the Milky Way were still forming.

"She was old, okay. The only thing more archaic and irrelevant in entertainment is… me!

"Maybe I’m just jealous because Queen Elizabeth recognized her be making her a Dame. People don’t even recognize me as a woman.

"And Kim Kardashian will always be grateful for Liz’s famous perfume “Black Pearls.” Kim doesn’t wear the scent, but “Black pearls” is her nickname for her boyfriend’s testicles.

"Now that Elizabeth Taylor is gone, what am I going to make jokes about? Truly she was Hollywood royalty, and one of a kind. I miss her already. So long, Lizzie. Rest in peace. Thank you, God bless, and look for me in my fashion critique on the red carpet at the funeral!"

"Hagar: 'It Was Horrible'"

In a recent interview, Sammy Hagar said he was once abducted by aliens. The aliens proved their superior intelligence by sending him back.

It is possible that when Sammy says he was abducted, taken away from Earth, and then returned, he's just remembering his experience with Van Halen.

David Lee Roth was also once picked up by aliens, but they were just bringing him back to whatever planet he came from.

"Travolta in the Air"

John Travolta gives the introduction in the new in-flight safety video for Qantas Airlines. In so doing, he got to re-unite with the cast of Welcome Back Kotter, since all the other actors from that show are now airport baggage handlers.

"Insure your Voice Audition"

AFLAC, the insurance company, is looking to the public to replace comedian Gilbert Gittfried as the voice of their mascot duck.. They are hoping to find someone with a less grating voice than Gilbert, so it could be anyone other than Fran Drescher.

The audition may be dangerous. Finding the best quack is how Michael Jackson picked his doctor.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

“Brown Spot”

Minutes after an interview on Good Morning America, Chris Brown shattered a window in his dressing room, ripped off his shirt, and stormed out of the building. He explained that he smashed the window because a reflection in it looked like Rihanna.

“Impaired Judgment”

A man showed up to his felony DWI pretrial hearing in New York an hour and a half late for court, drunk, and carrying an open beer and 4 more in a bag. Haven’t we heard enough about Charlie Sheen already?

Justice is supposed to be blind, but not blind drunk.

In order that the man is tried by his peers, his lawyer will be looking for a hung-over jury.

“Kissing Kimmel”

Charlie Sheen made an unscheduled appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live last night, throwing t-shirts to the audience, and giving Jimmy a big kiss on the lips. He may not know it, but officially, this makes Jimmy Kimmel a goddess.

Charlie left the studio as quickly as he appeared, presumably because he was afraid trolls were after him.

“Heavy News”

A new research study warns that people who are out of shape may be at greater risk of heart attack prompted by sudden physical activy, including sex. Fortunately, fat people have a lower risk of getting laid.

The risk of heart attack for single men is less, because when they have sex, their hearts are less likely to be involved.

Married men who have sex with another woman, however, are more likely to be killed by their wives, which the wives refer to as “natural causes.”

“Going to the Pros” or "AAA to XXX" or "From Prose to Pros"

Kevin Provencher, an award-winning reporter who says a salary cut made him desperate for money pleaded guilty to setting up a prostitution ring in Massachusetts. His customer base must also have been reporters, because whenever they began to perform a sex act with one of his employees, they would call out, “This just in.”

Provencher thinks prostitution should be as accepted in society as an inalienable right, like uncensored journalism. Basically, he believes in Freedom of the Press-on Nails.

E spent his career working as a sport-writer, and he saw the prostitution ring was his way of finally getting in the game.

He says sports-reporting is a lot like prostitution. The most exciting thing you can expect is a close finish.

He monitored his pimping operation in almost the same way he paid attention to the details in sports; by keeping an eye on the balling.

Going from sports writer to pimp was easy. He was already used to watching other people score.

During soccer season, every time one of his girls would open her legs he’d yell, "Goal!"

When covering the PGA tour, every time one of his girls would take a new client, he’s call out,"It's in the hole!"

A sports reporter as a pimp. Said one of his working girls, "After local news and weather, you're coming next."

As a sports writer, he didn't think of himself as a pimp. He thought of himself as a coach. Specifically, a head coach.

He would bring these young girls to sleazy hotel rooms and completely take advantage of them. So he was less like a sports writer and more like an NFL player.

For intimidating a prostitute against testifying, along with the pimping charges, he was sentenced to 2 and a half years in prison, where he’ll take one for the team.


AT&T announced Sunday that they are buying T-Mobile, which would make them the nation's largest wireless carrier. AT&T will drop $39 billion to acquire T-Mobile, and will also continue to drop millions of calls.

T-Mobile was initially approached anonymously, but figured out the the offer came from AT&T when it was garbled and static-y.

AT&T will pay the money, but first they will force T-Mobile to make dozens of calls to its customer service unit, where they will be told that they’ve been transferred to the wrong department.

“The Other White Meat”

CKE Restaurants, parent company of Hardee’s and carl’s Jr. has announced the first national fast-food chain Turkey Burger, which is said to be healthier than their traditional beef burger. Asked what makes the turkey burger lighter, CKE said, “the feathers.”

Hardee’s and carl’s Jr. have been trying to come up with a way to get customers to consume fewer calories. The turkey burger is a new way. The old way was to make their burgers taste like crap.

“Bus Load”

The Federal Transit Authority wants to raise the assumed average weight for bus passengers due to safety concerns, such as safe stopping distance. On the other hand, in the event of a crash, Americans will remain safely wedged into their seats until butter and a crowbar are used to dislodge their fat asses.

Also, despite all the extra weight on the wheels, the buses don’t ever have to worry about getting a flat, since fat passengers are all carrying their own spare tire.

Friday, March 18, 2011

"High in Space"

Authorities at NASA have discovered 4.2 grams of cocaine at the Kennedy Space Center. As a result, astronauts overbooked for the next flight into space have agreed to take a bump.

Suddenly everyone needs to know how 'Buzz' Aldrin got that nickname.

"Palin Comparison"

New polls show that Sarah Palin is losing popularity among Republicans. Perhaps because her reality TV show, Sarah Palin's Alaska made her a moderate success.

"R.I.P. Alfred"

Michael Gough, who played Alfred the Butler in the Batman movies in the 90's, died Thursday at age 94. Unfortunately, this means he won't get to see Batman finally marry Robin.

He moves on to eternal paradise, which, for Mr. Gough, means never again having to tolerate another joke about waxing the Bat-pole.

Director Joel Schumacher is being sought for questioning. Though there is no evidence of foul play in the case of Mr. Gough's death, years ago, Schumacher single-handedly killed the Batman franchise.

"Glowing Review"

As the situation at the Japanese nuclear plant escalates, experts are telling west coast residents not to worry about radiation exposure. So Californians just went right back to tanning.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

“Barack on Bullying”

President Obama spoke in a White House conference on bullying Thursday, saying that threats and intimidation are not things that we have to accept. To prove his point, Obama then refused to give America’s lunch money to China.

Obama then sent North Korea to the principal’s office.

Of course, Obama taking an anti-bullying stand is easy. Especially when Secret Service is right there, 24/7 to protect him from bullies.

Right after his speech, however, Republicans began picking on Obama’s politics, his funny-sounding name, and his big ears.

When Obama said that no one has the right to intimidate another or impose their will on them to get their way, conservatives immediately criticized the statement as an attack on marriage.

“Teacher’s a Pet?”

A St. Louis area high school teacher has resigned following the discovery that she had appeared in adult film in the 1990’s. This isn’t the first time her past has put her in an uncomfortable position.

It was obvious that word of her past had leaked out when one day, her male students with access to the Internet all showed up to school with an apple for the teacher.

Though technically placed on administrative leave at the teacher’s request, the department hasn’t fired her, because they don’t know if anyone could fill that hole.

“Life Without Charlie” or “That Harper’s Bizarre”

CBS may decide to keep Two and a Half Men on the air, without Charlie Sheen’s character, Charlie Harper. Despite rumors, no new actors have been cast. However, among the changes, the new, revamped version will be funny.

Though rumors have flown about casting to replace Charlie Sheen, when you get right down to it, the only obvious choice is Gary Busey.

Sheen will counter with his own new show, Two and a Half Warlocks.

“Auto Tweet”

Chrysler Corporation has had an employee of its social media agency fired after he sent a tweet from ChyslerAutos Twitter account dropping the F-bomb. That’s right, he used the word “Ford.”

“Tired Story”

A study released found that 35% of adults aren’t getting enough sleep. Thanks a lot, Starbucks.

“Pacify the Masses”

Tom Cruise ansd Katie Holmes’ almost-5-year-old daughter, Suri, was recently photographed sucking a pacifier. While just a few months ago, her father Tom was photographed sucking in the movie Knight and Day.

Suri is almost 5, so the obvious question s, at her age, isn’t she old enough to… realize her parents are crazy?

To the question of whether Suri is too old to suck on a pacifier, a psychologist said, “It is normal and healthy for people to calm and soothe themselves in a variety of ways. Tom, a grown man, also sucks on a pacifier to relieve his stress. Of course, he pretends it’s a penis.”

“Belles of 'Bell' Brawl Have Balls”

A video surfaced last week of ten men in drag who got in a brawl at a Taco Bell. No Injuries were reported, but tragically the food quality was the same as always.

They got the idea while trying to think outside the bun.

“A Funny Thing”

Next month's Comedy Awards will present an award named after Johnny Carson. It should go to Letterman, but it won't.

It's the award for staying the longest past your prime.

“Breakfast Talk”

Will Arnett and Jason Bateman are producing an online talk show set at a Denny's. Said a critic: “The show is funny, and Arnett and Bateman have good chemistry. But the production values are crap, compared to an IHOP.”

“Comic Book Ending”

Julie Taymor has stepped down as director of the "Spider-Man" Broadway musical. Before leaving the theater for the last time, however, she broke an actor's leg, for old time's sake.

She isn’t going far, though. Look for her on the web.

“In Bad Taste”

A photo was recently discovered showing Eva Braun, Adolf Hitler's girlfriend, dressed in blackface. Now we finally know why he never married her. (She was a racist!)

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

"Bieber's Other Hair"

Justin Bieber tweeted this week that in the next month he plan on growing a mustache. He will get the moustache by quickly drinking a full glass of milk.

Of course, if he grows a real mustache, it will somehow swoop over his forehead.


Charlie Sheen was seen on the roof of a Beverly Hills building waving a machete yesterday. Presumably, he was fighting off sanity before it could take hold.

Of course there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for why Charlie was waving around a machete. His Samurai sword was being engraved.

--with the word “winning.”

Sheen may very well have been showing his qualifications to take over Lybia.

In addition to “Adonis” and “warlock,” apparently Charlie also likes to pretend that he’s a swashbuckling pirate, too.

As a result, actor Danny Trejo is doing everything he can to distance himself from the name “Machete.”

“Blue Fire”

A Virgin Blue flight attendant was fired this week for briefly putting a toddler in an overhear bin during a game of peek-a-boo in an in-flight incident 3 months ago. The airline was furious, saying toddlers must be checked at the gate so they can charge $30.

The mother reported that she cried for days after the incident. She said, “You put my baby in the overhead bin? And to think I wasted $500, paying for his own seat!”

“Stock Footage”

After being closed for a month, the scheduled reopening of the Egyptian stock market was further delayed last week. Which is exactly what happens when you assemble ticker-tapes out of mummy wrappings.

The market isn’t closed, it’s just “cursed.”

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

“The Supreme Court Rules”

The Supreme Court ruled on Wednesday that pastor Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist Church can protest at military funerals with signs bearing inflammatory anti-gay messages, under protection from the First Amendment. Soon, expect to see signs that say ‘God Hates the Supreme Court’.

The freedom of speech ruling means that Phelps can continue to chant loud slogans, carry large banners, and parade with colorful signs until he dies or comes out of the closet.

Due to the First Amendment’s guarantee of free speech, no matter how distasteful it may be, the Court felt compelled to declare Pastor Phelps an assh*le.

“Artificial Intelligence”

Democratic Congressman Rush Holt defeated the computer Watson in a mock game of Jeopardy on Tuesday. His high intelligence means that he will no longer be considered electable and will be shunned by the Democrats in 2012.

“Fowl Ball?”

Colombian soccer player is facing up to three months in jail for kicking an opposing team's lucky owl during a match last weekend. The owl is considered lucky because it is the only animal that knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. (Three.)

Yes, an owl for a mascot. Apparently, that team they were playing against was from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Because it's a soccer story, if it weren't for the owl, no one in America would give a hoot.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

“Teats’ Treats”

The Icecreamists, a London Company that began offering “Baby Gaga,” an ice cream made from human breast milk Friday, at a price equivalent to $22.50 per order. And to think, for ages that stuff has been wasted on babies for free!

The company completely sold out on Friday, the first day the product was offered. Since then, men everywhere are trying to get their hands on a plentiful supply source.

Customers who like it hope that it will become available in bigger cup sizes.

Those who want the ice cream but can’t afford it may just have to suck it up.

Asked why the human breast mil ice cream is so expensive, the company owner said, you have to pay a woman a lot of money to stay topless in a walk-in freezer.

Those who have tasted the ice cream are having a hard time weaning themselves off it.

If you purchase two orders, be advised that it is perfectly normal if one is slightly larger than the other.

The ice cream is said to be all natural, meaning no breast implants.

“Charlie and the Debacle-ate Factory”

This blog has had no new entries since February 18, a week and a half ago. Not wanting to waste an opportunity, nor disappoint all our show-business-obsessed fans, we took a purposeful hiatus to prepare for Hollywood’s biggest event of the year, in order to be able to cover the highs and lows. So our studio went dark in order to prepare, get behind the scenes, and come back with this astounding report on everything that was seen on and around the red carpets. Of course I am talking about Charlie Sheen. You thought I meant the 83rd Academy Awards? Who cares about that when you’ve got Charlie?

The “red carpets?” I was referring to the inside of Charlie’s eyelids.

Forget about the Oscars. If you want to hear all about winners and losers, you want to hear about Charlie Sheen – winner – and the people who have to clean up his hotel rooms – losers.

Now the latest is that Charlie is at war with CBS. Although, the network is trying lure him back by changing the title of his show to Two and a Half Kilos.

He’s television’s highest paid actor. He’s also television’s highest actor.

Charlie refers to his two live-in blonde girlfriends, the former nanny and the porn star as “the goddesses,” and even compared himself to a god. Clearly he’s just confusing the word “immortal” with “immoral.”

Meanwhile, the goddesses say they don’t mind sharing him, and more importantly, his money.

Maybe Charlie is suffering from delusions of grandeur. He referred to himself as a god. This could just be an extension of wanting a higher position than his father, who used to be the president.

As the most obvious proof that Charlie has lost touch with reality, he described Two and a Half Men as “good television.”

He is demanding an apology and a raise from CBS. Furthermore, he wants to be paid in crack.

Some people are saying it was an anti-Semitic reference when he called Two and a Half Men creator/producer Chuck Lorre by the Hebrew name Chaim Levine. This just goes to prove, what’s the point of going to AA, if your sponsor is going to be Mel Gibson?

Charlie’s publicist quit on Monday, releasing a public statement that Charlie’s behavior caused him to have an allergic reaction.

Charlie says it’s lonely at the top, but he like the view. At least, that’s what he says when he’s having sex with the goddesses.

In a related story, not that anyone cares, Jon Cryer seems to be perfectly healthy.