Thursday, June 30, 2011

“Age of Deception" or "'Tween the Truth"

Prsident Obama mis-quoted his daughter Malia’s age, saying she’s 13, when she won’t be until July 4, in a comment chiding Congress for “not finishing their homework” to raise the nation’s debt ceiling.  Ztea Partiers immediately called for Malia’s birth certificate to be authenticated.

The over-statement of her age seems counter-intuitive, since Obama wants kids to stay on their parents’ insurance as long as possible.

Obama is trying to push her age to 18 in time to get her to vote in the 2012 election.

“The Real Estate of Paris”

Paris Hilton has announced that she is turning her attention towards real estate development as a next careeer step.  Paris likes real estate because high-end new houses reminds her or herself: carefully styled, expensive, and of course, completely empty.

Paris says she wants to concentrate on hotels and beach clubs.  That way, at the same time she’s inspecting  properties to buy, she can be looking for her underwear.

Paris’ very name is synonymous with the hotel industry.  Nor because of the Hilton family’s hotels; because, for the right price, anyone stay inside her.

The real estate industry itself has been in a terrible perios of slow-down, but now it is going to really start seeming slutty.

If Paris does get into real estate, it will be first time her name is ever mentioned in the same sentence as ther word “real.”

"Butt What?"or “Keeping Up with the Ridiculous”

 Kim Kardashian had X-Rays taken of her rear end to squash rumors that she has had butt implants.  In so doing, she also squashed the X-Ray machine.

Because of her fame and reputation, the technician had to use a XXX-Ray machine.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

“Korean Conflict”

At this year’s first Women’s World Cup soccer match-up, team USA defeated North Korea, 2 -0.  As a result, an angry Kim Jong Il is launching hundreds of soccer balls towards South Korea.

Kim Jong Il is a very big fan of women’s sports.  He hasn’t said so, but one can assume, based on his lesbian-style haircut.

“Natalie Would” or “Mercedes Rule”

According to TMZ, Charlie Sheen’s last original “goddess”/girlfriend Natalie Kenly moved out last week, and Charlie is demanding that she return the Mercedes-Benz he gave her a few months ago.  Unless there are no drugs in it, in which case she can keep it.

Sheen doesn’t plan to drive it, as his career continues to crash and he runs out of money in the next few months, he’s going to need it to live in.

Charlie doesn’t resent Natalie having the car, but now he wants to let it slide off a cliff.

Charlie’s not being materialistic.  He can’t find one of his kids and thinks he might be in the Mercedes’ trunk.

Sheen needs the car back because he filled his other car’s tank with tiger’s blood.

“Cancer Sham”

New York State is trying to shut down the Coalition Against Breast Cancer as a sham, after an investigation found almost all the money they’ve raised in 5 years going towards high salaries and personal perks.  The only thing investigators could not find out is how the heads of the organization sleep at night. 

In 2008, it was revealed that only $374 out of $1.4 million raised went towards mammograms.  Even for a mammogram, that is quite a stretch.

“Emergency Wedding” or “In Sickness and in Health”

A Pennsylvania couple was forced to get married in a hospital after a wedding-day accident where the groom fell down a flight of stairs.  The groom says it was worth it to get out of having to do The Chicken dance.

Though the wedding was simple, it cost more than the elaborate ceremony they had planned, since it wasn’t covered by insurance.

His ride to the emergency room was delayed while the groomsman hung cans and streamers off the ambulance.

Right after he was admitted the doctor put the groom on an IV of straight champagne.

The couple cut the cake, but per hospital policy, had to sew it back up.

The fall was caused when the groom’s shoes stuck to the floor due to his cold feet.

The accident and wedding happened Saturday, and the groom can hardly wait to be released – from the hospital.

These, days, hospitals are used to wedding parties rushing in unexpectedly, but its usually to the maternity ward.

Friday, June 24, 2011

“Comic Take”

In a new comic book that hit stores Tuesday, Spider-Man actually dies.  It's just another case of art imitating Broadway.

“Cory Story”

Cory Monteith of Glee told "Parade" magazine that his teen years were filled with destructive behavior, like drug and alcohol abuse and theft.  But since it's in "Parade" magazine, no one will ever know.

Cory only gave the Interview because he though it was the gay publication, "Pride" magazine.

“’How to Succeed’ Fail”

On Wednesday, a stagehand died backstage just prior to a performance of How to Succeed in Business on Broadway.  Ironically, he had somehow survived months of working on Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark.

“Bicycle Chain Reaction””

Thousands of naked cyclists gathered in Portland, OR this week for the World Naked Bike Ride.  It’s great event for spectators who want to see a lot of spare tires.

In the excitement, a lot of the riders already had their equipment pumped up the night before.

“’BAL’ Stands for ‘Blood Alcohol Lindsay’”

Lindsay Lohan was accused of violating her probation Thursday, after equipment detected alcohol in her system while she was under house arrest.  Lindsay says that her body now turns all liquids into alcohol, since that's what it's used to.

Lindsay claims she was only drinking tea.  Tea made from fermented grain.

Lindsay didn't mind going to court because she likes to see if she can find and then steal cocaine from evidence bags.

-          Or as she likes to call it, Exhibit “C.”


A gun once owned by infamous Chaicago gangster Al Capone was sold at auction for almost $110,000.  In order for the collector’s piece to pay for itself, the buyer is going to have to shoot a lot of Elliot Ness’ men.

“Rocket to Fame”

This week a European airline announced new “rocket plane” that can fly from Paris to Tokyo in under three hours.  And as soon as it hits Tokyo, expect Japan to counter-strike.

Even though it takes less than 3-hours to get to Tokyo, it takes twice as long to air out the smell of the French passengers.

Jerry’s not Kidding”

Jerry Lewis was rushed to a hospital in Sydney Australia, where he had been scheduled to perform for a Muscular Dystrophy Foundation charity event.  Lewis had wanted to go on; after all, he’s died on stage thousands of times.

As expected, the ride to the hospital was delayed by slapstick bits getting Jerry into the car.

 Getting to the hospital proved difficult due to unlikely detours, hilarious obstacles in the road, and the driver’s eyes being covered by a monkey.

“Sex, Education” or "President Pimp"

A former president of the University of New Mexico was arrested Thursday for helping to run a prostitution ring.  In his defense, he thought it was Mexico, not New Mexico.

Police became suspicious over the sign on his office door, which said, simply, “University head.”

The most popular item his service offered was known as the “under-a-graduate program.”

Or if you wanted to get more kinky, you could pay to be a “slave to your Master’s.”

If you wanted two girls at once, that was known as a “double major.”

Every customer could take an “oral exam.”

(Sorry about the college puns.  The humor is really sophomoric.”

“High Culture” or "Digging Shakespeare"

A group of paleontologists hope to dig up William Shakespeare's body, in part to prove whether or not the playwright smoked marijuana.  There's no proof that Shakespeare ever bought or grew marijuana, but there's evidence that he stole some from Francis Bacon.

The fact that Paleontologists want to do this suggests that they’ve run out of dinosaurs to discover.

“Chipping Away at your Health”

A new Harvard University study says that potato chips are the biggest single food item contributing to American consumers’ weight gain.  This is a huge relief to the nation’s makers of pot brownies.

Potato chip makers are quickly trying to bury the news, deep inside a big tub of creamy onion dip.

Upon hearing the news, most Americans promised themselves it was time to try a whole new bag.

There’s a reason people sitting around watching TV and snacking all day are not called “couch celery stalks.”

There is a chance Americans will cut down on potato chips.  A fat chance.

“Crash Test”

A new study found that 25% of fatal car crash victims tested positive for drugs.  And you thought stoners were paranoid before.

“Sidewalk for Walking?”

Boston is trying to pass a law to block the use of Segway vehicles from sidewalks.  Being careful not to discriminate against the Segway riders themselves, however, all sidewalks would still be open to rich douche bags on foot.

The law is intended to protect pedestrians, but hopefully, Segways will just crash into each other.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

“FDA Report is a Bust” or "Silly Cones"

The FDA released a report Wednesday saying that silicone breast implants are relatively safe, despite complications in 1 out of 5 patients.  Clearly, the issue is still a little lopsided.

Thought the implants give women larger breasts, it is usually the men around them that act like bigger boobs than before.

The FDA concluded that women have the opportunity to ask questions in order to be aware of the risks.  Men only ask “Are those real?”

Federal officials say that implants filled with silicone are more likely to leak than those filled with saline.  But they still consider them safe because they are less likely to leak than implants filled with pushpins or broken glass.

Some are suspicious of the findings, considering the risks.  This may be a case of tit for tat.

“Fish Story”

At Buggs Island Lake in Virginia, a fisherman caught a record-breaking blue catfish, measuring 57 in. and weighing 143 lbs.  Blue catfish don’t usually get that big, but this one had recently been eating at McDonald’s a lot.

The fisherman was proud of catching the monster fish.  His only real regret was using another fisherman as bait.

Because it was a catfish, they lured it with a giant ball of yarn.


Apple may be unveiling an upgraded iPhone in September, which reportedly has a faster processor and an 8-megapixel camera.  This is seen as great news for everyone except Anthony Weiner.

“Half Out”

A new study finds that many homosexuals tell some people that they are gay, but still pretend to be straight to others.  Because when Perez Hilton asks you out, he just won't take "no" for an answer.

Some gays only feel comfortable outing themselves to certain people.  Like, Tom Cruise only admits he's gay to people that the Church of Scientology are about to have killed, anyway.

“Stellar Jen" or "Jennifer Ani-star"

Jennifer Aniston will get a star next year on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.  Then in two years, the star will replace Jennifer’s with that of a younger actress.

“Paper Man”

John Sturm, the CEO of the Newspaper Association of America, announced he is retiring in September.  He made the announcement in front of all of the association's members.  In other words, he was alone.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

“Lemon of a Pledge”

NBC came under fire for omitting the words "under God" during the Pledge of Allegiance during the U.S. Open.  But upon seeing NBC's ratings, God said, "Please, leave me out of it."

“Intern Goes All the Way”

A former intern for Hillary Clinton is now a hardcore porn star.  The only difference is interns don't get paid.

Now she's finally getting the experience she really needs for a career in politics.

Maybe this is what she meant when she said that she hoped that her internship with Hillary would lead to a prominent position.

“Spider Woman”

Ousted director Julie Taymor says that Twitter harmed the production of Spider Man: Turn Off the Dark.  Whereas Spider Man: Turn off the Dark only harmed its own actors.

The difference is, if Twitter crashes, no one's arms and legs get broken.

“Warning: Graphic Warnings”

Tuesday the FDA unveiled the new graphic health warnings which will be required to cover 50% of cigarette packaging.  There are 9 different disturbing images, and the message to children is clear: “Hey kids, collect them all!”

If cigarettes don’t hurt your health, the warning labels alone are enough to make you sick.

The graphic images depict a cancerous mouth, a corpse, diseased lungs, and more.  In fact, there will soon be a call for a warning about the warnings.

Two cigarette manufacturers have already filed a lawsuit saying that the new labeling requirements will kill their branding and their relationship with customers.  Meanwhile, their brands are actually killing their customers.

“Would-Be Baby Buggy Bumper”

An Amish man has been arrested in a sting operation after text messaging  a young girl to try to get her to have sex with him in his horse-drawn buggy.  It was obvious this guy was a real pervert.  He wanted the horse to watch.

 His defense was, better ‘buggy than bugg-er.’

Though his behavior is reprehensible, it is impressive that he could whittle a working cell phone out of a block of wood.

Being Amish made his texts, which were supposed to be sexy, both sad and creepy.  For instance, he told the girl that she really knew how to ‘raise his barn.’

The text messages that led to his arrest included videos and nude photos.  Besides soliciting sex, he was just excited to have upgraded his phone from his old slate and chalk. 

He also really liked exotic, foreign women.  Or as he calls them, English.

Amish guys have terrible pick-up lines, anyway.  What woman wants to hear that a guy just sewed together new lambskin condoms?

“Small Time Crook” or “Robbed of his Health”

A North Carolina man desperate for medical insurance robbed a bank, asking for only $1 in a note, just so he would get arrested and get jail health care.  Unfortunately, he will probably be sentenced to an HMO.

It’s a sad truth that the only way he could get close to an insurance company was to become a criminal himself.

The lesson he learned is that crime doesn’t pay, but it does have health benefits.

Oh, and the bank wants their dollar back. 

Monday, June 20, 2011

“Mexican Princess” or “Cruise Control”

Princess Cruises has cancelled all calls to port in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico for the rest of 2011, out of safety concerns.  Other cruise lines are expected to capitalize on vacationers’ desire to visit Puerto Vallarta with their new “get kidnapped and killed” package.

You can now get cruise and hotel rates that are really cheap, not including your food, bar, and ransom.

Mazatlan was dropped by Princess and other cruise lines in recent months, due to fears of violencehurtting the Mexican Riviera’s popularity.  However, the sandy beaches and clear water still mean great vacations for the drug lords.

Tourism in the Mexican Riviera has now gotten so bad that the only ships offshore belong to Somali pirates. 

“Mel’s new Gal” or “What Women Want”

TMZ says that Mel Gibson may have a new girlfriend, Stella Mouzi,who is a Greek, gothic fetish model.  Clearly he’s okay with the fetish stuff; the way his movie The Beaver opened, he’s obviously into humiliation.

If she really into domination, that might be new to Mel.  He’s used to being the one doing the hitting.

If TMZ is correct, the couple hasn’t been together long.  Which you can tell because she still has all her teeth.

“USA, Today”

Sunday night’s Miss USA Pageant in Las Vegas had a redhead as the big winner: Donald Trump.

21-year old redhead Alyssa Campanella,, Miss California, won the tile of Miss USA at the end of the competition.  Pageant fans were just glad that the crown stayed in America.

As Miss California, her interview question was about legalizing marijuana, to which she answered that she supported medical marijuana, consistent with the state of California's stance.  She didn't say she supported full legalization, since she felt paranoid from being totally high.

“Presidential Parody” or “O-Bomb-a”

A Barack Obama impersonator performing a parody speech at the Republican Leadership Conference was stopped mid-performance over jokes poking fun at GOP presidential hopefuls.  Some Republicans had been unprepared because they had never heard comedy before.

Some speculate that jokes about Obama’s biracial heritage were seen as going too far, though the comedian himself is also biracial.  That alone, however, made him seem too liberal.

Ironically, it was the first time the Republican leaders have ever taken any ‘Barack Obama’ seriously.

Friday, June 17, 2011

RIP Alan Haberman, or “Symbolic Death”

Alan Haberman, inventor of the UPC bar code, has died at the age of 81.  Before being brought to the morgue, his body needed to be held over a laser scanner before being placed in the bagging area.

At his funeral, he will be honored with a 21-beep salute.

His pallbearers will need to pass his coffin over a scanner several times before it registers that he is really dead.

“Oprah Wants to Have O.J. for Breakfast”

Oprah Winfrey said that she wants to interview O.J. Simpson but only if he is willing to confess to killing Nicole Brown-Simpson and Ron Goldman.    Her assurance of O.J. guilt proves that mind-reading is among her super-powers.

“You Tube Black-out”

You Tube has removed Rebecca Black’s Friday music video as a battle over profits has begun between Black’s mother and father and Ark Music Factory, the company that made the video.    With the media attention on the parents and the production company, Rebecca has finally taken a back seat.

Though fans of the video were upset, there are still plenty of other horrible, horrible songs for them to listen to.

“The New Car Pool” or “Fuel for Thought”

Students from Virginia Tech University won a U.S. Department of Energy contest by engineering a Chevy that gets 82 miles per gallon.  The students could also get a huge cash prize, if they accept Big Oil’s offer to destroy the eco-technology.

For the students, it’s the best of both worlds: they are good mechanics, but they’re still nerds.

Students from Ohio State, and U. of Waterloo, Ontario came in 2nd and 3rd place for their eco-car innovations.  Last place went to a community college, whose only fuel-efficiency modification to their car was to paint it red.


Nadya Suleman, the Octo-mom, is having a car wash to help pay her bills.  She gets the car clean, but she uses the babies as shammies.

It's an automatic car wash.  You park it at the entrance and it slowly goes along a track into her vagina.

“Koala Khlamydia”

Australian scientists say the country's koalas are at risk of extinction due to outbreaks of chlamydia.  Said an Australian zookeeper:  "Well, that's what you get when you don't use any protection when you go 'Down Under'."

Aussie officials blame the influence of Jersey Shore.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

“Latest in Weiner Coverage”

Congressman Anthony Weiner has resigned from office following his Facebook and Twitter scandal.  Anthony may be back though.  His motto is, you can’t keep a good Weiner down.

Weiner announced his resignation at a senior citizens center, where he had a lot of support.  Which makes sense since fewer senior citizens are on Twitter.

Weiner made a statement and kept it short, making it the first time in a while he felt no need to brag about his length.

Unexpectedly, though there were cameras pointed at him, the Congressman chose to keep his pants on.

“Teen Pop”

A national survey on sweetened beverages found that 1 out of 4 high school students drink at least 1 soda each day.  The rest are drinking beer.

The survey included 11,000 teens nationwide. They would have liked to haves urveyed a much larger group, but the rest of American teens no longer answer any question that doesn’t come as a text message.

Fortunately, not all sodas purchased by teens are being drunk by them.  Sometimes they just dump the soda out of the can or bottle to make a bong out of it.

Not all high school students drink soda for the sugar or the caffeine.  Sometimes they just need something to mix with their Jack Daniels.

Some high school students are trying to cut down on the sugar and caffeine they get from sodas.  And their answer to the problem is a Starbucks triple-shot mocha-caramel frappucino.

“Degree of Separation” or “Senior Class”

99-year-old Leo Plass received his Associate's Degree from Eastern Oregon University after leaving college in 1932.  This means it's only 79 more years until he gets his Bachelor's.

“Traveling Pants” or “Grounded over Pants-on-Ground”

A young man aboard a US Airways plane was arrested once an incident escalated from his refusal to pull his pants up over his underwear.  Apparently, the airline has a “no low-fly” rule.

In jail, the young man will most likely want his pants pulled up.

The young man was held on $11,000 bail, which he could easily make in a few nights with his pants down at a male strip joint.

“Ob-scenery” or “Happy Trail” or “Putting the ‘Buff’ in Nature Buff”

This week, Germany opened a nude-friendly hiking trail.  Hikers are warned to take care not to get lost amid the dense German bushes.

The trail is clearly marked with pointing arrows, among other things.

The hiking trail is sure to be a beautiful, paradise in nature… filled only with old, naked fat men.

“Meat Delivery” or “Gaga: Wears the Beef”

Lady Gaga’s now famous ‘meat dress’ that she wore at the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards is going to the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame.  Because as dresses go, it’s very rare.

The meat dress will be put on display as part of a “Women Who Rock” exhibit, because for all artists, Lady Gaga really raised the steaks.

The dress, like Gaga herself, has raw appeal.

When the dress goes on display, security may need to be beefed up.

The media just ate it up.

Fashion admirers say the design of the meat was well done.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

“Adult Films, but Not Adultery”

A former porn actress named Ginger Lee claims that Congressman Anthony Weiner told her to lie about their email exchanges and Twitter messages.  It’s strange that Weiner might have expected her to remain quiet, since porn stars are not usually known for keeping their mouths closed.

Many of Weiner’s colleagues have issued calls for him to resign.  And most want his seat to be taken by Ginger Lee.

Most of the calls to resign are coming from within his own party, which is ironic, since Weiner’s whole scandal seems to have come from the fact that he wanted to party.

“Media's 'Circus'”

The Tropicana resort in Atlantic City is introducing more sexy entertainment, including a new show called the “Naked Circus.”  The idea of the circus is to get patrons to pitch their own tents.

Some have criticized the casinos for having women peel off their clothes in order to increase business.  But this is just a reverse of what the casinos have done for decades: taking the shirts off the gamblers’ backs.

“Mazel Tov to Natalie”

Natalie Portman gave birth to a baby boy Wednesday.  The announcement means it will be more difficult to hide the boy from Jedi turned Sith Lord Anakin Skywalker.

Portman feels well-prepared for motherhood, having spent the last few months pushing her Oscar for Black Swan around in a stroller.

As soon as the baby was born, the umbilical cord was cut.  Still, this time it’s good news that there’s No Strings Attached.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

“Hef’t at the Alter”

Hugh Hefner and fiancĂ© Crystal Harris have reportedly called off their wedding.  Apparently Hef realized that in just a couple years, she would be too old for him.

The couple allegedly broke up after an argument on the phone.  No matter what Crystal said, Hef kept going, “What?  What?  I can’t hear.  Speak up.  Where’s the volume?”

Hef tweeted that Crystal has had a “change of heart.”  Which happened when she realized that any day now, Hef would literally need to change his heart.

This is bad news for Hef’s adult media empire, since the “Playboy lifestyle” now means being humiliated when your girl publicly dumps you.

The breakup is especially painful for Hef, who, at 85, is reminded of his bride-to-have-been every time recalls the age of his grandchildren.

“Morgan Grinder”

Tracy Morgan will return to Tennessee to apologize for the anti-gay remarks he made in a comedy club.  This will make GLAAD happy, and will really make the comedy club happy, due to the cover charge and 2-drink minimum he can still charge the offended.

Once he apologizes again for making homophobic remarks, Tracy will go back to saying random, crazy remarks that aren’t necessarily intentionally funny.

“Social Security Not So Secure”

A government investigation revealed that Social Security had overpaid $6.5 billion to retirees and the poor in 2009.  The error was found when it was discovered that these people were suddenly eating up to three meals a day

“Not So Sunny News” or “Left Is Not Right”

New research says that American drivers are more likely to get skin cancer on their left arm, due to prolonged sun exposure from having their arm out the window.  To minimize their risk, worried citizens are moving to England.

Republicans may be safer in American cars, since they lean to the right.

It’s possible that drivers of convertible cars are at the greatest risk of harmful sun exposure, but thankfully, they tend to be douchebags.


McDonald’s is suffering a PR flap over a hoax in which a  Twitter photo shows a fake but official looking McDonald’s memo blaming African Americans for recent robberies.  Not helping is the fact that the Hamburglar has been repeatedly showing up in black-face.

On the upside, the fake scandal is a nice distraction for McDonald’s over their controversially fattening food.

Monday, June 13, 2011

“No Big Deal”

Guinness verified a new world record for the shortest living man, Junrey Balawing, an 18-year-old from the Philippines, who stands 23.6 inches tall.  Junrey plays the piano for a living.  Not well, but guys hire him just so they can say they have a 23 inch pianist.

Jurney considers it a tiny victory.

Now that he’s famous, Jurney may travel all over the world, and his airfare will be free since he easily fits in a carry-on.

Perhaps his new notoriety will enable him to buy his dream house.  He currently lives in Barbie’s Dream house.

“Just Say No Preservatives”

The National Institutes of Health say that high exposure to formaldehyde can cause cancer.  This is seen as disastrous news for the nation’s cadavers.

Unfortunately, the danger formaldehyde poses suddenly makes teenagers using it seem cooler and more sexy to their peers.

Since formaldehyde causes cancer, out of habit, the tobacco industry wants to start marketing and selling it to consumers.

“Conan Speaks”

Conan O’Brien spoke at the Dartmouth University’s commencement this weekend.  At least, until he was suddenly replaced by Jay Leno.

Conan was given an honorary Doctor of Arts degree.  As a result of being a doctor, he will now keep his audiences waiting an extra 20 minutes for no reason.

Friday, June 10, 2011

“Stewart Cutting Up”

Jon Stewart accidentally cut his wrist while taping Tuesday's episode of The Daily Show.  Naturally, Fox News put their own spin on the story when they instead reported that Jon Stewart had a bleeding heart.

“Universal Appeal?”

NBC Universal has purchased its own theme park.  The park’s rides, shows, and other attractions promise visitors the very best in mediocrity.

“Copper Tone”

A Utah man attempted to pay a $25 hospital bill with 2,500 pennies.  This story has shocked the nation, because who has ever heard of a hospital bill that low?

If you're confused by a $25 total from a hospital, we should clarify that the only service he got was short-term parking.

“Weiner Working”

In the midst of the scandal involving Congressman Anthony Weiner, it's being reported that his wife is now pregnant.  Weiner initially denied, but then admitted that he tweeted his sperm to her vagina.

“Boobs on Fox”

Khloe Kardashian accidentally showed a nipple while appearing on "Fox and Friends" Tuesday.  It wasn't censored because the producers thought Khloe was a man.

“Full Nelson”

Willie Nelson pleaded ‘No contest’ to a possession of drug paraphernalia charge and was fined $500.  The paraphernalia: his wardrobe.

Willie plans to write off the $500 fine on his taxes as a business expense.

“Olympian Effort” or “Still ‘Lympian Along”

NBC made a deal to keep showing the Olympics until 2020.  In so doing, they have made sure that Americans will be able to continue to watch their best amateur athletes on the best amateur network.

“Honolulu Boo-boo”

In Honolulu, the TSA fired or suspended 48 screeners and managers for failing to check luggage for explosives.  But in the screeners’ defense, not one tube of toothpaste made it through in a carry-on.

“Weiner Pens Apology”

Rep. Anthony Weiner wrote an apology note to his neighbors for the media blitz that has taken hold around his home since his Twitter photo scandal began.  To make it up to those neighbors, Weiner has offered to flash them.

“Paper Trail”

The state of Alaska released over 24,000 of pages of Sarah Palin’s emails from her time as governor on Friday.  Not very much is expected to come from them that the public doesn’t already know, but some people really want to know what kind of smileys she used when talking about huntin’.

The fact that the emails can be read at all is 1. a tribute to the Freedom of Information Act, and 2. proof that she used Spell Check.

The sheeer volume of emails indicated that Palin spent a lot of time in her office working for Alaska.  Of course, a lot of that work apparently meant forwarding chain letters  so Alaska wouldn’t have bad luck.

“The Wedding Episode”

Hugh Hefner’s upcoming wedding will be televised as a special on Lifetime.  Hid fiancĂ© Crystal Harris wanted it to be on television in case Hef doesn’t remember getting married afterwards.

The wedding will not be broadcast live, just in case Hef isn’t.

Hef has said he also wants the wedding to have a pre-quel.  But he meant pre-nup.

Lifetime is known as “Television for Women.”  Hefner made the deal with them hoping he could get all those women naked.

“Poison and the Press”

Bret Michaels says that he won't let TV cameras at his upcoming wedding.  He said that his the day is meant to be a special time just for he and his bride.  And the wedding night is just for them and the groupies to get  freaky.

The wedding won’t be too formal. Meaning it will be ‘black eye-liner optional.’

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

“Star-Spangled Ban”

Goshen College, a small Mennonite school in Indiana, has voted not to play the national anthem before its sporting events.  Critics have accused them of being unpatriotic, but students say the real problem is that they just need a better band.


Alaska Airlines is replacing its 1,000-plus-page pilots’ manual with iPads for pilots.  Pilots are already excitedly downloading apps to wake them up when they fall asleep mid-flight.

The pilots really seem enthused with the iPad’s smaller size, lighter weight, and that the case it comes in can also hide a flask.

In case of emergency, pilots will no longer have to fumble through multiple volumes of paper manuals, they just have to figure out how to quickly exit out of Angry Birds.

The iPads come pre-loaded with airline rules, airport specifications, and of course, Twitter photos of Anthony Weiner’s crotch.

“Hermione Hexed?”

Harry Potter star Emma Watson revealed this week that the reason she left Brown University in March was that she is trying to deal with the reality of celebrity.  Translation: she wants a reality show.

Watson says that while she was a student at Brown she was never bothered by paparazzi or autograph seekers.  She credits campus officials, the maturity of her fellow students, and her ability to cast magic spells on anyone within 100 feet of her.

Her explanation squashes the rumor that she couldn’t find a Brown guy with a big enough wand.

Monday, June 6, 2011

“Battle of the Bulge”

New York’s Congressman Anthony Weiner has finally admitted that he tweeted inappropriate photos of himself, but will not resign from office.  He added, “Voters and my Twitter followers will continue to get exactly the Weiner they signed on for.”

Weiner now admits that he both sent the lewd photos and lied about it just so he’d fit in with the other guys in Congress.

Rep. Weiner's pictures were just doing what his name and title suggest: representing his weiner.

Brigitte Legit” or “Arnold Caught ‘Red’ Handed”

Red Sonja and Beverly Hills Cop II  actress Brigitte Nielson claims that she and Arnold Schwarzenegger were lovers when he started dating Maria Shriver.  It may be that Brigitte’s relationship with Arnold informed her performance in Rocky IV, where she played the wife of Ivan Drago, the steroid-pumped heavyweight who barely spoke broken English.

Her fans had only one question: how did she ever bring herself to sleep with Flavor Flav?

“Cloud’s the Limit”

Steve Jobs unveiled Apple’s new iCloud service Monday, a way of sharing and syncing your downloads, emails, calendar and more on all your Apple devices using only your Apple user ID.  Apple emphasized how great free sharing is, unless you’re a PC.

“Runner Rick”

Former Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum announced Monday that he will run for the Republican nomination for president.  Most Americans-not-from-Pennsylvania’s reaction was, “Who’s Rick Santorum?” and the rest were like, “Cool… Transylvania!”

“Captain’s Log”

William Shatner received an honorary doctorate and addressed the graduates at McGill University’s commencement this past week.  Shatner’s speech was only a 1-page piece, but because of his delivery it… took…. 2…. hours.

The 80-year-old star’s remarks were well received, except for the moment he became confused and told the graduates to set their phasers on ‘stun.’

“Body of Work” or “Hard or Soft Sell?”

The Hollywood Reporter says that Heidi Klum will appear nude in promotional ads for the new season of Lifetime’s Project Runway.  The campaign goes along with Lifetime’s new slogan, “We’re not just for women and gays anymore.”

Friday, June 3, 2011


Congressman Anthony Weiner came under fire this week for allegedly sending a picture of his groin area via Twitter.  Weiner denied it, saying, “Why would I send out pictures of my penis when it’s just as easy to stream video?”

He claims it was in response to demand from constituents to learn what’s in his congressional briefs.

Rep. Weiner has since claimed that he is the victim of a prank… that began when he was born with the last name Weiner.

In the media, the scandal is being called “Weinergate,” which is also what the Congressman calls his fly.

“Cheating on the Country” or “Adultery: Making a Federal Case out of It”

Former Senator John Edwards was indicted today on charges that campaign money was used to cover up his extramarital affair during the 2008 election.  Edwards insists that besides abandoning his wife while she battled cancer, having the affair, getting his mistress pregnant, denying he was the father, and hiding the baby, he’s done nothing wrong.

Hundreds of thousands of dollars were allegedly kept mistress Reille Hunter and her baby hidden.  Secret checks sometimes came in boxes of chocolate.  Then Edwards had a real moral dilemma: give the chocolates to his wife or his mistress?

Appropriately, the chocolate was bitter-sweet.

The Indictment of John Edwards is also a reminder of fake TV psychic John Edward, from ‘Crossing Over,” who, after the former senator’s scandal, now appears to be the lesser of the two douches.

“Doctor’s Death”

Jack Kevorkian, the controversial assisted suicide doctor, has died in Detroit at the age of 83.  Kevorkian would have been honored in a memorial by his former patients, but they are all dead.

Kevorkian died with his closest friend by his side, the Grim Reaper.

Kevorkian is said to be a lot like the patients he worked with.  Dead.

Kevorkian was often accused of seeking media attention, so when a camera crew came into his hospital room, he made the mistake of saying “yes” when their electrician asked, “Is it okay if I unplug this?”

“Guitar Shredding” or “You Shark Me All Night Long”

An Australian cage-diving operator has discovered that great white sharks respond to music underwater, and particularly, rock band AC/DC.  The great whites proved they have good taste, too, by not liking Great White.

These trial-and-error experiments to see what range of sound frequencies attract the sharks are a first, because in the ocean, it’s usually hard to see sharks’ play lists on their iPods.

Sharks have been known to have a taste for Metal.

“Peeping Principal”

The FBI arrested an Iowa elementary school principal for installing a video camera in a boys’ bathroom and downloading images from it to his home computer.  The biggest surprise: this wasn’t even a Catholic school.

“Sarah Palin’s Ride”

On her bus tour stop in Boston Thursday, Sarah Palin mixed up facts about Paul Revere’s famous ride.  For starters, he did not ride a moose.

Second, he was not hunting from a helicopter.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

“Eat Off ‘My Plate’”

The U.S. Department of Agriculture is replacing the "Food Pyramid" with a new symbol promoting healthy eating called "My Plate."  It is expected to be successful, as long as no one associates it with MySpace.

The USDA decided to replace the Food Pyramid due to the Food Mummy’s curse.

On the My Plate model, the 4 main types of food are arranged on a round plate like 4 pieces of pie.  The problem is, Americans already eat 4 pieces of pie.

“Cheer for the Host” or “Emmy is How Sue C’s It”

Glee star Jane Lynch has been named as the host of the 63rd Primetime Emmy Awards in September.  Lynch’s presence will raise the performance standards of the show.  For example, presenters will have to do aerial cheerleading acrobatics to get to the stage.

Lynch will be the perfect person to hand out awards to the winners, and then throw slushies in the faces of the losers.

Jane says she is honored to be hosting the Emmys, but admits she is only doing it as part of a scheme to crush a high school choral group.


A teenager in China sold one of his kidneys in order to buy an iPad 2.  It was worth it.  After all, you can’t watch hi-def movies on your kidney.

Sadly, the patient who received that kidney was hungry for another an hour later.

It was his left kidney because in China they don’t have any rights.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

“Shaq Not Coming Back”

Shaquille O’Neal announced via Twitter that he is retiring from basketball after 19 years in the NBA.  Shaq is leaving the game only a few years after his idol: his own body.

Shaq made the Twitter announcement in a video.  It was his first believable performance in a video.

In retirement Shaq won’t completely disappear from the world of basketball.  In fact, he plans to spend much of his time learning how to sink a free-throw.

After an Achilles tendon injury in January, there has been a fear that Shaq could re-injure himself if he did come back next year.  And the only thing more frightening than an aggravated injury is Shaq’s movie acting.

“Campbell’s Condensed Rage”

Naomi Campbell is threatening to sue Cadbury over a new chocolate ad in Britain that says “Move over Naomi, there’s a new diva in town.”  Naomi felt that she was being depicted negatively in the ad, because the chocolate is abusing its assistant.

In response to the threat of a lawsuit, Cadbury is changing the ad to say, “There’s a new bitch in town.”

The ad really upset Naomi.  As soon as she saw it she called her lawyer.  But first she had to borrow a phone because she had broken hers over her maid’s head.

Naomi says comparing her to chocolate is racist.  Of course, if Cadbury changes the ad to white chocolate, Naomi will still be a bitch.